They are individuals, just like everybody else

C-3PO made of ham. It’s been bugging me for ages.

Finally I work out (with the help of google) what David Cameron looks like. Beforehand I was going to plump for ‘Ristorante Ham and Cheese Pizza’; as well as a striking physical similarity, they share the common attribute that your head says they were probably a good choice but your heart can’t help feel you’ve been a bit conned.

“Is that all the topping/leadership I get for three quid/four years? Fuck.”

What I’m trying to say here is that the reason most real people don’t trust politicians is that they don’t look like real people. They all look like each other, oddly, but there’s something about the average British politician that physically resembles the jelly from the inside of a pork pie. In an M & S suit.

I remember when I used to recognise Nick Clegg, I remember him having a face which I could tell was not the face of somebody else. Now I’m not so sure, as he’s definitely starting to look a lot more Cameron-esque. Look.

Clegg looks like a Diet Cameron, who looks like a better-groomed Ed Balls, who looks like a better groomed John Prescott, who looks like a better-groomed Ann Widdecombe. George Osborne is, it would appear, the result of a freakish and gut churningly erotic liaison between Cameron and Harriet Harman, replete with all the expected IQ difficulties that result from such an ungodly union. If you put Iain-Duncan Smith in a bath for too long you get William Hague. If you put him in a bath for too long you get Vince Cable.

If politicians want to be loved maybe they could try to just be a little bit different from one another, even if only physically. They could try being different in terms of policies, beliefs and personality too but there are only so many millenia left before the Sun explodes and cooks us all, so let’s be realistic.

Huge green mohawks, eyepatches, maybe a spot of cross dressing, all these would make people sit up and take notice. The sad truth is, however, that all it would take is slightly crazy hair, a blue suit instead of black and an air of casual buffoonery to stand out from the crowd and forge an unfathomably successful political career.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, I conclude that Boris Johnson is one of the greatest political minds of the 21st Century.