Just remember that when you’re chewing on Grandma’s right knee this Christmas because turkey is well out of your price range.
According to somebody who was born with a silver spoon up his arse, the recession really isn’t that bad at all and those who say it is can jolly well bugger off. The swathes of unemployed can stop moaning as far as he is concerned, because a few thousand people have slightly less to pay on their crippling mortgages. Hurrah!
Embrace this spirit of unbridled joy and optimism when you’re considering which kidney to sell to pay for your tuition fees in a couple of years. When you’re wondering where all the public services have gone, rest assured that they had to be cut back massively in order to save £7bn. Which we then gave to Ireland. And of course, at no point bear in mind that the treasury just let a certain mobile telecommunications operator (let’s call them Fodavone for privacy’s sake) off a £6bn tax bill which could have pretty much swallowed up the cuts in one. AT NO POINT.
Of course, Ireland had to be bailed out, as apparently UK banks are ‘exposed’ to Ireland to the tune of £150bn. Whilst making Ireland sound just a tad rapey, this also begs the question of what the hell is there £150bn to invest in, in Ireland?! As far as I can see, the main Irish exports are potatoes, bafflingly popular stout and silver-tongued comedians. Now that we part-own the Republic with Sweden and Germany I’ve made sure to stake my claim for the aforementioned stout company and hope to be taking delivery of the brewery in four to six weeks. This pan-European three way is set to make life for Irish comics unfeasibly difficult, however. Could you imagine writing material to satisfy British, German and Swedish comedy palates simultaneously? The best I’ve managed to come up with so far is: “Man walks into a bar. Checks that all the relevant safety guidelines have been strictly adhered to and gains great pleasure from this. Orders a refreshing flagon of sensibly priced pilsner which the bartender pours with great efficiency. A happy outcome is achieved.” This isn’t even a joke, and it’s the best material I could come up with. God help you Dara, your whimsical Irish lilt won’t save you now.
For us students, it’s becoming increasingly clear just how fantastic life is. Dave and George have decided that unless you wear a lab coat for a living your university is going to get approximately no pounds a year of funding for you. This equates to no euros, zero yen and absolutely no dollars. Unfortunately, and sorry about this Falmouth, if you go to an arts university your funding is about to get completely withdrawn. They’re going to take away needless and costly things like lecturers, facilities, materials and teaching time, presumably to allow your creative minds to imagine a fair system, and spend most of it on really important and cheap stuff like nuclear missiles and helicopters. And in return for this act of generosity, the government are asking for a mere six thousand pounds more from you every year.
I’m inclined to knight these fine fellows straight away. I’ll even provide my own fucking sword.