Sad day for English hooligans as Greeks and Italians battle it out in Violence World Cup Final

Skin-headed, overweight, tattoo-laden louts across England are today weeping into their rottweilers and feeling the knuckleduster of loss punching their tear ducts, as it was confirmed today that Italy and Greece are the new heavyweights in the world of casual street violence. London’s hilarious and ostensibly bloody protests over the last few weeks have been cast into the periphery of shame as the world has witnessed two days of masterclasses in how to fuck things up, continental style. While England has seen a handover of power from mad-eyed psychos with names like Baz, Jimmy and KillDeath to scarf-touting youngsters whose idea of sticking it to the man involves half-heartedly flinging balsa wood at the authorities, the Europeans are still happily going with the tried and tested ‘big mental bastard’ formation.

Instead of the witty placarded, largely good-natured London approach (except for this idiot), the Greeks have taken more of an “if it moves, kill it” mentality and are attacking anyone and everyone, even people who are no longer responsible for what’s upsetting them (you’ll note that the Greeks also have the ‘setting fire to shit’ aspect down to a tee as well).

Elsewhere in the Mediterranean, the Italians have also gone nuts after apparently only just realising how crooked Silvio Berlusconi is:

Berlusconi Public Houses Inc.

In true Italian style, somehow more heavily armoured riot police have been injured than impeccably dressed rioters, a fact that will rub even more salt into the wounds of Englishmen, who remember the halcyon days when to cripple less than three coppers in a day was a mortal sin.

What the English can take pride in, however, is punctuality. Unlike our public transport, our popular uprisings are always impeccably on time and in motion almost as soon as unpleasant decisions are taken. An anonymous source has indicated that footage exists of around 21,000 protesters materialising in London before Vince Cable could even finish saying “nine thousand”. The current European protests, by contrast, bear all the hallmarks of societies built around the notion of not getting out of bed until noon. Unless news travels very slowly in Athens, the austerity measure they’re protesting against have been common knowledge for quite some time.

As for the Italians, realising your prime minister is corrupt at this stage is akin to realising your house is burning down when you’re standing in the charred remains some days later. So perhaps there is hope for the lovable English mentalist after all.

Closing Summary:

English – Prompt but decidedly foppish

Europeans – Terrifically violent, reassuringly lazy.


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