We’ll help the heroes of Wank in the Shower Britain, says Deputy PM

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January 11, 2011 by Mark B

Read this first! (It actually works now and everything.)

HARD-WORKING Brits are the backbone of the country, the people who will drag us out of recession, says Capitulator in Chief Nick Clegg.

Ordinary, willing folk – dubbed Wank in the Shower Britain because they snub the benefits culture, get up early to go to work and then miserably pleasure themselves in a torrent of lukewarm water and tears – will be given Government support.

Here, he calls for a “coalition of people prepared to roll up their sleeves, [eat their own children] and get the nation back on its feet”.


THERE are millions of people in Wank in the Shower Britain. People, like Moon readers, who have to get up every morning and work hard to get on in life. People who want their kids to get ahead.  I had a head once. David said it wasn’t becoming, so he replaced it with his own.

People who don’t want to rely on state handouts, but wouldn’t mind because it beats the crushing depression of working long hours for fuck all money. People who don’t need politicians to tell them what to think or how to live their lives, but who don’t have a choice. People who are not poor but struggle to stay out of the red, which isn’t in any way a contradiction.

They are the backbone of Britain.

These are the people who will get this country moving again. It is their hard graft, day in, day out, that will get us out of the hole Labour left us in.

Deputy Prime Minister...Nick Clegg

This Government is formed by a coalition of two parties and we want to join the people of Wank in the Shower Britain in another coalition. A coalition of people prepared to roll up their sleeves, splurge all over the bath and get the nation back on its feet.

Ed Miliband may be prepared to hide under his duvet from the problems Labour left us with. But we will get up every morning and face up to them. In Wank in the Shower Britain, people don’t want a handout but they appreciate a helping hand. And that is exactly what the Coalition Government is offering them. David offered me a helping hand once. It felt nice, until he bent me over and buggered me from here to Knightsbridge. I kept smiling though, which is what Wank in the Shower Britain is all about: just get on with it, no matter how brutally fucked you are.

I know that times are difficult right now. We are having to make cuts to pay off Labour’s debts and some bills are going up. All bills in fact. Substantially.

Now more than ever, politicians have to be clear who they are bending over for. Be in no doubt, I am clear about who that is. That is why the Liberal Democrats made a big, fat middle finger to voters on the front of our manifesto.

That no basic rate taxpayer will pay any tax on the first £10,000 they earn. But 2.5% on everything they buy.

We’ve already taken the first steps which will take nearly 900,000 out of paying tax altogether. Like Vodafone, and Sir Phillip Green!

From April, every single taxpayer earning less than £42,500 a year will see their income tax bill cut by £200. By the time of the next election, 23million people will be paying £700 less. That’s a saving of 0.003p per person!

The Government is lending a hand in other ways, too.

We are protecting jobs by cutting red tape for employers and stopping Labour’s tax on jobs. We are putting more money into our schools. We are increasing childcare for kids under five to help the mums and dads who get up every morning and juggle their genitals expertly.

And we’re helping the grandparents too by protecting pensions and putting billions into social care. This is win-win for us, because in Wank in the Shower Britain, you can’t retire until you’re dead. So by ‘social care’, what we mean is ‘a rather exclusive Swiss bank’.

Today, I’ll be meeting some of the hardworking heroes of Wank in the Shower Britain. They, like many of you, had to set the alarm incredibly early this morning in order to take out their frustrations on themselves. They are busy doing their jobs long before it’s even light.

The people in Wank in the Shower Britain deserve a break. RSI is a serious threat.

They drive our economy every single day of the year. Rain, wind or shine they are busy making this country tick. Unless it’s snowing, of course.

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