Cameron accuses himself of hypocrisy

The increasingly confused Prime Minister has today worried fellow ministers by engaging in an impassioned attack on his own policy in the Commons. He followed this by accusing himself of propagating the most outrageous double standards, before squaring up to himself in a manner which made Hugh Grant look like Mike Tyson.

According to a close aide, Mr Cameron has uttered the word ‘cuts’ so many times in the last few months that the word has lost all meaning, and he now spends several nights a week slumped on the kitchen floor, miserably chopping up paper with a pair of rusty scissors.

The crazed debacle began when the embattled Prime Minister’s brain suffered a catastrophic short circuit sometime around noon. Fifteen seconds after telling Manchester City Council to make as many cuts as they possibly could, he performed an astounding volte-face and began railing against the wildly punishing cuts being made by Manchester City Council. Although the Conservative chief is, like many politicians, known for making U-turns at least four times a month, it is generally accepted that there should be a gap of more than four seconds between conflicting statements to allow the media goldfish to forget all about the previous lie.

Is tattooed on the PM's arse

For the PM to simultaneously venture down two conflicting tracks either speaks of unfathomable arrogance and contempt for the public, the gentle yet irresistible collapse of a man’s mind, or a terrible realisation that this whole government lark is a tad more difficult than they told him at Eton. All are worrying, all are funny in their own simple way. Unfortunately, it does not appear to have struck home to the wealthy leader that you can’t force people to cut their budgets and then be surprised and mortified when they cut their budgets. Hilariously, Cameron announced that he believed that the Manchester Council cuts were ‘politically driven’. Opposition MPs were too busy trying to stop their sides from splitting to shout ‘hypocrite’.

In a final flourish, Mr Cameron declared that Manchester Council ought to cut the salary of its chief executive, some £200,000, before cutting public services.

At this point, Ed Miliband reportedly had to be physically restrained before he could shout ”WHAT ABOUT THE BANKERS YOU STUPID CU-”.

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