Cameron defends decision to create high-tech dystopia

The newly facially-hirsute PM, who has taken to calling himself ‘Joseph’, has hit back at claims that secret courts and the legal right of the government to access private communications on a whim might be just a tad sinister.

Sporting a huge, bushy moustache and a somewhat withered left arm, Mr Cameron defended his stance and promised on his mum’s life that it was all in our best interest. Speaking via head party spokeswoman Theresa May, whom Cameron lovingly refers to as “my anus”, he said: “PAEDOPHILES! TERRORISTS! TERRORIST PAEDOPHILES! CRIMINALS AND SUCH!”

All agreed it was a rousing speech, except one lady who didn’t, but she died in not-in-any-way-suspicious circumstances shortly afterward and then everybody definitely agreed was a rousing speech.                 

Mr Cameron is said to be "loving" his new top-lip topiary

A key government intelligence official has also been shedding light on how access to Skype calls and emails is going to help in the war on imaginary enemies:

“As we all know, 9/11 and 7/7 would not have been possible without Skype. In fact, I saw a piece of footage of Osama bin-Laden Skypeing his buddies the other day. He was all like “Hey dudes, what’s happening?” and they were like “Cool, bro, cool, we still on to blow up some shit next week?” and he was like “Yeah, for real man, shit’s gonna go DOWN!!”, and I believe that if the intelligence community could have accessed this call they would have wormed out that an attack was imminent.

“The same is true of paedophiles. It is a little known fact that 103% of paedophiles use email to set up their dastardly child wrong-rings. Take this transcript I read today, which I would not have been privy to before these great new laws allowed me to indiscriminately invade people’s lives”:

Dear John,

Thanks for the BBQ, it was great. Me and the wife had a lovely day. Are we still meeting up on Monday to abuse children?

Paul

The counter-arguments to this tiresome bullshit have been made far more eloquently and forcefully than I could hope to, so I won’t go over that ground, but it’s just so depressing that we live in a world where a government in a free country has the temerity to openly spy on the public and then claim it’s all to protect us. Nobody is buying it, not even Nick Clegg is buying this one, yet it’ll most likely come to pass anyway. Welcome to democracy.

What can we do? I’ve come up with four predictably ridiculous solutions that might not work, but might piss some people off:

1) Include the words “P.S. If you’re reading this, I’m behind you” in every online communication you make. That way, if somebody is reading it they’ll be driven to a paranoid mental breakdown by the end of the first week.

2) After two months of the “P.S. I’m behind you” game, go to Thames House and actually get behind whoever comes out and whisper “I told you I was behind you” in their ear. Warning: May result in death.

3) Include a random interlude in whatever you write. You should have seen it, his head came clean off with one swing of that spoon. Anyone snooping on it won’t have any idea what’s going on, and you’ll be safe in the knowledge that you’re a hilarious prankster.

4) Demand that the government eschew clothes from now on and assign each of them a detail of 200 members of the public to follow them constantly. If they’re honest people with nothing to hide they have nothing to fear from this, which is what they’re so fond of telling us. Let’s see how they like it when they’re under scrutiny 24/7. Claim that the nudity aspect is just an extension of their own legislation, as we want to make sure they aren’t carrying bombs, guns, knives or indecent images of children. If they’re honest people who have nothing to hide then why should they have a problem with forced nudity and occasional cavity searches?

Freedom. Don’t ya just love it?

P.S. If you’re reading this, I’m behind you.

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