WARNING: Casual blasphemy alert.
If you’re sensitive about that sort of thing I’d suggest sitting this one out. It’s all in jest though.
It has been confirmed this week that God is, as has often been suspected, a bit of a Tory.
In a series of increasingly spectacular episodes, the elusive deity has not only reconfirmed s/he/it’s existence, but has categorically shown s/he/itself to be a fervent exponent of economic austerity and low tax rates for the wealthy.
The first clue as to sheit’s (yes, I’m sticking with sheit from here on in) political persuasion came when the supreme being repeatedly attempted to murder the new socialist president of France. Using the classic Biblical technique of drowning the shit out of one’s enemies, pulled off to devastating effect when dumping the Red Sea on some noticeably liberal Egyptians a couple of millenia ago, God tried to drown Francois Hollande in his reasonably-priced suit at his inauguration.
When this plan failed, in part due to Paris’s unhelpfully efficient and probably publicly funded drainage system, the overlord decided to try and electrocute the tax-hiking infidel in his jet before he could poison Angela Merkel’s thoughts with his blasphemous talk of maybe getting a few extra Euros out of the rich and investing in some big projects that might get people working again.
Not content with the attempted destruction of his political enemies in France, God then turned sheit’s attention south to Athens in order to prevent a left-leaning coalition forming in the troubled state. A source from heaven told us that God has been stalking the halls of paradise muttering “I’ll send those bastards back to the drachma before I let those commies anywhere near the Eurozone” and “Zeus would be turning in his grave if he knew this shit was going on.”
The final coup de grace performed this week, in what has been described by officials as “a pretty bloody busy week” for the Creator, best known for sitting back and relaxing for a few billion years after seven days’ hard work, was to oversee the miraculous ascension of a mediocre football teams Manchester City and Chelsea to the ranks of ‘best football team in relatively small nation’ and ‘best football team in area covering one eighth of the world’s populace’ respectively. Many have since speculated that this was God’s way of stating that those who have the most money are truly the most favoured in sheit’s eyes.
All of this drama has left the swathes of liberal citizens in a bit of a quandary, as they are now pretty much obliged to side with Satan in any given debate. Thankfully, the misunderstood dark lord has offered some reassuring words to the cautious left:
“First of all, this whole sheit is good and I am evil thing is miles off target. Just because God managed to publish their book first meant that mine never got a look in. Now people who have never even read my treatise on the benefits of redistributing the wealth come out with all this crap that I’m about stealing people’s souls and corrupting lives and thoughts. All I said was that I thought that a strong state was an inherently good thing. What sheit wrote in the Bible was out and out slander. It isn’t even hot in hell! I had the thermostat about two degrees higher than sheit liked when God and I lived together and sheit’s never let me live it down.
“And another thing, God really isn’t that all-powerful or all-loving or all-creating or anything. Want proof? ME! If you’re all-powerful and in control then how come I’m here at all? What kind of divine force creates a nemesis for itself?!
“Where was I? Oh yeah, the politics thing. Frankly I’m surprised you’ve not seen this before. Even at a basic level. Communists: red. Labour: red. Satan: penchant for scarlet. See the theme? The Americans have been on to me for years, and you all thought they were crazy. They are of course, but they were technically right when they said that communism is the devil.”
Whilst it is unclear how Labour will use the endorsement of mankind’s ultimate nightmare, it seems certain that the link to hell will be played down somewhat for at least the next few years, or at least until Lucifer can sort out his PR and revamp his image. Ed Miliband has politely declined the demon’s offer to speak at the next party conference, but privately concedes that he’d probably be a better on Have I Got News for You than Ken Livingstone was, so a use may yet be found.
P.S. Shiny new dedicated Twitter account! Follow @rantraverelax for updates. Unless somebody smites me first.