Clegg ‘really has fucked up quite badly’

In a frank interview with the BBC’s half man, half spider Andrew Marr this morning, embattled Nick Clegg admitted candidly that he’d done almost the exact opposite of everything he set out to do when he took over the leadership of the Lib Dems.

“I don’t know what’s happened. I went into politics to be honest, to be a fighter, to stand up for the needy and vulnerable, to do the right thing. Ever since I got in league with the Tories that really just hasn’t been on the agenda.

“I’ve also become a compulsive liar. Remember when I said I was going to cut tuition fees? I lied, plain and simple. But I can promise you today that from now on I’ll be doing my utmost to change this.

“See, lying again. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Clegg also used the public showing to describe his plans for what he won’t be doing in the future. He indicated that he would be using all of his available power to make sure that any imminent austerity measures ‘were not put on the backs of the poor’, but had to confess that when he’d put this strong argument to David Cameron, the Prime Minister had laughed at him and then continued to ride around on the backs of the poor in a hearty game of peasant polo whilst George Osborne loitered outside Whitehall mugging anyone not wearing tweed.

“So basically I’m fucked”, sighed the spineless whelp.

Despite this definite no-win situation, the Tories’ human-shield-in-chief was surprisingly optimistic about his future, saying he ‘would not flinch’, even when George was flushing his head down the toilet as he is wont to do between 10-11 Mondays to Thursdays.

“When you are halfway up a mountain, you should not bail out”, declared Clegg, before adding: “Even if you have lost all of your equipment, have only Ming Campbell for food and Danny Alexander for company, and are surrounded by hordes of angry yetis who are determined to throw you off the mountain.”

“Oh, and your best friend is Teresa May. Pass me the vodka would you?”

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Right, Olympics over, back to hating each other

We’re all secretly glad, aren’t we?

It was getting too much. This is Britain. More specifically in my case, this is London. Usually if I have a conversation with somebody at the bus stop it’s to ask them politely to stop trying to mug me.

I’m tired of enjoying my trips around town, exchanging amusing pleasantries on the tube with one and all, and I’m certainly no fan of the convivial, non-threatening atmosphere in the carriages. It feels like something bad is going to happen. Like a bake sale.

Every day at the office I veer closer than ever to ‘making friends’ instead of ‘having colleagues’ as we have so fucking much to talk about all the time, basking in our shared experiences and lauding the heroic achievements of our compatriots. It sounds like bloody communism.

SPORT’S OVER, FEAR THINGS AGAIN!

I’m obviously pleased that the fireworks and frivolity are over but I am somewhat worried about politicians ‘carrying on the Olympic legacy’. Not from my taxes they won’t. And I am concerned that some of the foreigners who we wantonly let in to do ‘sport’ won’t be so keen to leave again, and some of them are quick so they’ll be a bugger to catch.

But I’m sure it’s ok, I’m sure it’ll be normal soon and we’ll forget this sorry business ever happened. It’ll be back to watching Huw Edwards tell us what’s going to kill us next on the television from now on, none of your physical prowess and elite athletes and sense of togetherness, thank you very much.

I’m sure some do-gooders will fart around for a bit and try and get us to volunteer for the needy or something, but that’ll die down. At some point in the next two weeks an elderly lady will get on the bus, look at the seat next to me and smile expectantly. And I’ll smile back and say “My bag is sitting there, bitch.”

And then, my friends, I’ll be happy again.

Prime Minister launches scathing attack on dither

After two years of dithering, David Cameron has finally pinpointed the cause of Britain’s economic woes. In a strongly worded, combative article in the Mail on Sunday the PM has gone where others have been too afraid to and placed the blame squarely at the feet of dither.

In a move which has left millions reaching for a dictionary and scores remembering the 1950s, Cameron has finally come out and said what absolutely nobody was thinking:

“The reason this country is going to the dogs is not because of social inequality, it’s not to do with the wholescale destruction of the poor, it certainly isn’t to do with us selling everything to obscenely rich, money-obsessed charlatans who we then forget to tax. The reason, my friends, is dither.

“I’m trying to get a pool put in at one of the houses, it’s taking bloody ages! I can’t believe I’ve been so blind as to not see this before, but literally everything that is wrong with the UK is because everything has to go through ‘checks’ and ‘regulation’ and ‘due diligence’ before you can do it. It’s bloody ludicrous!

“I’m having a party next week, what is Rupert going to think if the pool isn’t ready?”

Dave and George have gone against doctors’ advice and have been thinking again.

In a move that has the pungent musk of George Osborne lingering behind it, Cameron has decided that regulation and proper oversight are throttling this country’s burgeoning talents. It is of course well documented that most young offenders turn to crime because there is simply too much red tape to get their artisan bakery off the ground.

Mr Osborne, in a statement he wrote in crayon, said: “Regulation is the bane of this great nation. I’ve been doing a lot of reading of books that date up to around 2003 and everything was deregulated then. Banks and stuff could go and sell all kinds of shit to each other and lend people who lived under bridges a billion pounds to buy a jet and the bankers made loads of money.

Well some of them did, a lot of people got screwed but I only know the ones with the money so it doesn’t really matter. Now I see that everything is getting regulated again and we have a recession. I think I see the culprit…”

In a final flourish of nonsensical drivel, the Prime Minister decried the British attitude of nimby (not in my back yard)-ism.

“Everybody wants more affordable houses, but nobody is willing to let us pave their local park or grandmother to do it. There’s no winning with some people. We don’t need forests anyway, it’s a waste of wood.”, he said. Cameron failed to mention that at exactly the same time William Hague was burying a proposed £10bn investment in a new runway at Heathrow on the grounds that he lives “right under the fucking flightpath”.

Cameron also failed to mention the absolute ton of houses which are sitting empty because nobody can afford to pay £600 a month to rent a table in Tooting, owned by the same ‘wealth creators’ who are very good at creating wealth for themselves and nobody else.

Because he’s a colossal idiot.