Clegg ‘really has fucked up quite badly’

In a frank interview with the BBC’s half man, half spider Andrew Marr this morning, embattled Nick Clegg admitted candidly that he’d done almost the exact opposite of everything he set out to do when he took over the leadership of the Lib Dems.

“I don’t know what’s happened. I went into politics to be honest, to be a fighter, to stand up for the needy and vulnerable, to do the right thing. Ever since I got in league with the Tories that really just hasn’t been on the agenda.

“I’ve also become a compulsive liar. Remember when I said I was going to cut tuition fees? I lied, plain and simple. But I can promise you today that from now on I’ll be doing my utmost to change this.

“See, lying again. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Clegg also used the public showing to describe his plans for what he won’t be doing in the future. He indicated that he would be using all of his available power to make sure that any imminent austerity measures ‘were not put on the backs of the poor’, but had to confess that when he’d put this strong argument to David Cameron, the Prime Minister had laughed at him and then continued to ride around on the backs of the poor in a hearty game of peasant polo whilst George Osborne loitered outside Whitehall mugging anyone not wearing tweed.

“So basically I’m fucked”, sighed the spineless whelp.

Despite this definite no-win situation, the Tories’ human-shield-in-chief was surprisingly optimistic about his future, saying he ‘would not flinch’, even when George was flushing his head down the toilet as he is wont to do between 10-11 Mondays to Thursdays.

“When you are halfway up a mountain, you should not bail out”, declared Clegg, before adding: “Even if you have lost all of your equipment, have only Ming Campbell for food and Danny Alexander for company, and are surrounded by hordes of angry yetis who are determined to throw you off the mountain.”

“Oh, and your best friend is Teresa May. Pass me the vodka would you?”

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