Clocks ‘to go back every day’

The clocks will go back by one hour every single day from now on, officials have announced. The move comes after everyone realised that this is literally the best day of the year, beating my birthday and Friday into distant second and third places.

Today there will be a buzz in the UK not seen since the corresponding Sunday last year. People will wake up especially early to savour the extra hour or read about the history of clock changing. Children across the land will naturally acknowledge the extra hour that mummy and daddy want in bed and stay silent until at least 5am, then possibly offer to wash the car.

Many people are so excited about the extra hour in bed that they are up nearly two hours earlier than on a regular Sunday, bleary eyed and craving sleep after staying out well past the two one o’clocks last night, but determined to waste the gift of more time well.

Unlike the similar ‘clocks going forward’ Sunday earlier in the year, largely credited as proof of the existence of Satan, there are absolutely no downsides to the clocks going back. Nobody will be late for anything today, except the same people who use the clocks changing as an excuse for tardiness regardless of the direction of time change or the logic of their argument – these people should be avoided at all costs, and possibly shot.

Today it as acceptable to wake up at what used to be 10 and still have the bulk of the morning to do nothing with. today everybody will be knackered by 11pm and get a nice early night, or possibly just call it quits after Homeland, which tonight will be even more tense than usual because nobody is sure quite when it is on.

And furthermore, the absolute winning qualities of CGB Sunday will now be found in every day of the year as official plans to move the clocks back every day come into place. It is thought there might initially be issues with getting up at 3 in the morning and finishing work at what used to be noon, but the government are sure that these teething problems will all seem worth it when all of us wake up every morning with the faint but undeniable feeling that, in some small way, we’ve won. 

Basically, it’s going to be a stonking life from now on.

Welcome to the new dawn*!

  *Unfortunately, due to the new clock changing regime, the term dawn is now obsolete.

Jeremy Hunt “to be limited to 12 weeks”

It has been revealed today that everybody is strongly in favour of terminating chronic failure Jeremy Hunt in no more than 12 weeks.

In an interview with the Times, the comedy MP announced, completely unprompted, that he would be in favour of reducing abortion limits from the current limit of 24 weeks to 12 weeks, based on what he claimed was “a hunch”.

“Here’s my evidence”

Exasperated medical expert and rational human being Dr Alice Benning responded with surprise:

“This clown again? Seriously? This is the man whose personal view thought that Rupert Murdoch and his chums were a fine bunch of fellows to be running the British media; his opinion is not valid at the best of times.

“He reckons that after studying the ‘evidence’ he’s come to the conclusion that abortion limits should be drastically cut. One: What evidence? He’s probably going to say it’s the Bible, isn’t he? Two: What gives this prick any right whatsoever to think that he, or any other politician for that matter, can make decisions which govern what women do with their own bodies? Three: Who made this absolute buffoon health secretary?!”

David Cameron, the man who made this absolute buffoon health secretary, was quick to defend the constant disappointment he’s put in charge of the NHS:

“It’s an issue of conscience, and he is absolutely entitled to hold an individual view”, said the PM with an absolutely straight face, before adding “it’s not like he has the power to act on it anyway, what department is he in now?…..SHIT.”

Thankfully, it was later announced that some people had studied some evidence and come to the conclusion that Mr Hunt’s own limit on being in a position of any responsibility should be, at most, 12 weeks, and that they “just felt that that’s the point where political careers end.”

Here’s hoping.