The Church of England, often regarded as one of the most progressive and forward thinking organisations in the UK, have today stunned the world by refusing to allow women to wear silly hats.
The Church, best known for it’s slogan ‘He’s going to murder us and torture us in the most debasing and sickening ways because He loves us and wants us to be happy’ as well as it’s belief in what is politely termed the ‘factually risky’, has long been known for it’s gender-neutral, tolerant approach and this decision will really set the cat amongst the pigeons. It is thought that as long as the pigeons have penises they’ll probably be fine.
Self-confessed woman Angela Swain was appalled by the decision: ‘The Church has always been a beacon of gender equality, my husband tells me, so I’m very sad that my fellow vagina-toters will not be allowed to be bishops. I suppose I can see the argument against it though, my genitalia does certainly affect my ability to talk convincingly about fiction.‘
Man and therefore superior human Bishop Erasmus Cheam was more favourable: ‘In the Bible the apostles were all men. Therefore women cannot be bishops. Simple. The Bible has spoken, and the Bible is never wrong.‘
He added: ‘Stop coveting my ox.‘
It is unclear what the ramifications of today’s decision will be for the Church, but the general consensus is likely to be either ‘who the fuck cares‘ or ‘what the hell is a synod?’.