Shoppers ‘outraged’ by low horse content in Tesco burgers

Appalled supermarket customers today expressed their disgust at revelations that supermarket giant Tesco has been selling frozen burgers containing as little as 30% horsemeat.

The BEEF (bits, ends, effluent, foals) burgers had previously been thought to contain at least 80% gangly, carrot-addicted beast, and today’s news has left many wondering what the fuck else is in their dinner.

Consumer Jane Phipps voiced the concern of a nation: “30%? Is that it? From those lovely pictures of happy, hay-munching horses they put on the front you’d think it was mostly, y’know, horse. So what else is there? Stoat? Fox? Knee? I’m just not sure I’ll be able to sleep at night until I know what horrors I’ve been feeding my children. They’ll be eating KFC from now on, I can promise you that.”

Up to 9% slow loris

Up to 9% slow loris

It is understood that Tesco, after a scrambling apology, are rigorously investigating how their burgers could have ended up with so much ‘mystery’ content. There are thought to be two main theories:

  1. Somebody has deliberately put ‘surprise’ meat in the burgers
  2. Magic

‘Foodies’ have also weighed in on the debate. Jeff Smyth, owner of fashionable Hackney pop-up hedgehog fondue restaurant SlagBantam, believes that more must be done to stop the dilution of horse burgers:

“I’m a foodie, and as such I enjoy buying and eating things which taste exactly the same as other things but are nine times the price but are served on a napkin made of sick. Which is why I’m sad that we’ve seen horsemeat, which for all kinds of factors must be quite expensive to produce in the UK and Ireland, being watered down with cheaper, less tasty and more unhealthy meats like beef.

“I’m waiting on Tesco to announce a new ‘Finest’ horse burger – 100% horse mixed with a bit of pure gold for texture, for me and my ilk to discuss loudly and at length in public spaces.”

Other consumers have adopted a more relaxed view of events. Gerald Nunn, a long time connoisseur of ‘value’ produce, remarked: “Who cares?” before adding, “Let’s be honest, I paid eight pence for this burger, I’m actually just grateful there’s any meat in it at all.”

In other news, Lidl and Aldi have been found doing exactly the same thing, but it transpires that they’ve only been selling it to the Germans, so nobody minds.

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