“Er, you can’t just quit mate”, God tells Pope

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February 11, 2013 by Mark B

God has reacted furiously after his representative on Earth declared he was resigning from a post which is very much in the ‘job for life’ category.

The pontiff, 85, has decided to leave the Vatican as he feels unable to perform his papal duties any longer. He has declined to outline which duties out of sitting down, wearing large hats, tweeting and subtly promoting intolerance he is now physically unable to perform.

God, ∞, was less than sympathetic to his employees resignation:

“Frankly, this is bullshit of the highest order. I absolutely fail to comprehend how somebody can be too old to be Pope. There’s nothing new to fear, there’s no terrifying change to worry about, you sit on your arse 24 hours a day and get paid to hold incredibly old-fashioned views and you get to wear loose, comfortable garments which allow easy access to sponge-bathers. It is tailor-made for the elderly and infirm.

“Besides, John Paul II was actually dead for the last three years of his reign, and he is widely regarded as a man who got shit done.”

Will absolutely rinse the stationery cupboard when he leaves.

Will absolutely rinse the stationery cupboard when he leaves.

Vatican officials are working like demons this evening to suppress claims that God might have made a mistake when he used his divine will to elect Cardinal Ratzinger, then a whippersnapper of 78.

“God knew this would happen. In many ways, it’s God’s way of showing us he loves us and should continue chanting things at him and giving him money,” said a Vatican official this evening.

In slightly contradictory remarks, God said: “I had no idea this was going to happen. I keep telling people: I’m not actually omniscient, I’m just good at pub quizzes.”

What the Pope will do now is a hotly-debated topic, with many expecting him to start a music career and release a solo album by the end of the year. Others are drawing the inevitable comparison between the pontiff joining Twitter and then quickly leaving his job, leading to speculation that he might pursue a career putting witty put-downs and pithy remarks into 140 characters or less.

One avenue that the soon to be ex-Pope will be keen to avoid is death, as it will place him in a pretty awkward situation. If God is not real, he will have wasted his entire life and will feel something of a tit. If, on the other hand, God is real, it will set up a meeting with his former employer, who might just be a tad pissed off.

And if the Bible has taught us one thing, it is that God has a short fuse and no sense of restraint.

“Things are going to get spicy”, grinned God, cracking his infinitely-loving knuckles.

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