March 17, 2013 by Mark B
Residents of the tiny nation of Cyprus have begun to question whether somebody taking 10% of their money without asking might be a bit thefty.
News broke late last week that the EU, also known as Germany, had decided that a key step on the road to economic recovery was to stand at the side of that road, possibly in a cape, and rob passers-by blind, with Cyprus the first weary traveller to be accosted by Dietrich Turpin.
For years the EU has been searching desperately for ways to generate more cash – trying methods from austerity to…well, just austerity then. Last week, however, they realised that there’s actually shitloads of cash just sitting in people’s bank accounts, and they’ll just nab that instead.
“We all know that austerity works. All these cuts and the subsequent decimation of public services across the Eurozone have made people incredibly happy and definitely almost dragged us out of recession,” said an EU official. “However, we felt we needed just one more big push to really send the people of Europe into a delirium built on strong consumer confidence and burgeoning personal wealth. It was then that we found stacks of cash sitting, unused for many years, in people’s savings accounts.
“So we’re going to have it. I can imagine the people of Cyprus will be delighted to have some of their money liberated for the greater good. They’d probably only spend it poorly anyway.”
The Germans backed up this statement with their usual tact, adding: “Well, Cyprus is mostly Russian crooks anyway so we’re really a bit like Robin Hood. Except instead of stealing from the rich we’re stealing from everyone, and instead of giving to the poor we’re just sort of keeping it.”
Cypriots themselves have reacted surprisingly calmly, with only one reported incident of a man threatening to bulldoze a bank.
One Cypriot summed up the bemusement and seething fury felt by the nation: “This is bullshit”, he said.
“It’s a bit like coming home from work, and my girlfriend going, “How was your day”, and me going, “It was good, I got a loan from the bank. The interest rates are quite punitive, but hey, needs must. Oh yeah then the bank manager followed me down an alley and mugged me and assaulted me quite badly.
How was your day?””
Angela Merkel, meanwhile, has defended the action, which she is spearheading, in a completely objective manner. She (genuinely) said: “I think it’s a good step which will certainly make it easier for us to approve the help for Cyprus.”
Which is a basically a politician’s re-wording of the Melian dialogue. Which, loosely translated, means “Fuck you, we make the rules now bitches”.