May 21, 2013 by Mark Burton
Is George Michael actually a human being?
Like a real one, without any animatronic or Wolverine-like qualities?
News has broken today that the singer/’singer’/national treasure/disturbing presence which occasionally haunts your dreams wielding an axe and a copy of his latest album [delete as applicable] fell out of a car at 70mph last week and walked away with nothing more than cuts, bruises and doubtless some new lyrics for another atrocious, atrocious song.
1) Why is this not bigger news? If it was Elton John there’d probably have been a live blog on the Guardian; you know, the exciting ones like “He’s fallen out of car”, “He’s still fallen out of the car”, “He’s still fallen out of the car – here are some of your tweets”. Something like that.
Instead, we’ve had roughly the same level of national fanfare as if I had fallen out of a car at 70mph and basically walked away. A small piece in the London Evening Standard, next to an article about a lady being reunited with a long lost cat – a front page in the Sun or the Mirror four or five days after the event with some gory-sounding witness testimony.
Right wing Conclusion: The world has been playing too many video games and has been desensitised to human suffering to the point where George Michael can fall out of a moving car on a motorway and the world shrugs its shoulders. We should ban video games.
Left wing conclusion: George Michael’s fame has waned somewhat. Why aren’t you outside, saving the NHS?
2) How is this physically possible? I like to think that if I fell out of a speeding vehicle onto any surface other than jelly or candy floss I would immediately develop the consistency of jam and spread myself liberally over a three mile radius. The T-1000 would struggle to withstand that kind of impact, and he was all mercury and stuff.
The fact that Mr Michael, if that is his real name, suffered only ‘superficial cuts and bruises’ whilst protected by nothing more than an Adidas tracksuit leads us to clear conclusions.
Right-wing conclusion: Homosexuals are made of iron and should not be trusted.
Left-wing conclusion: Adidas have stepped up their game in tracksuit-based protection, doubtless by exploiting poor children’s fine needlework skills. The bastards.
3) How is this physically possible? How does one go about falling out of a car in such a fashion? The story goes that George saw that a door was open and tried to open and close it, but then fell out of the car. At no point did it appear to cross his mind to say “Chaps, could we pull over and shut the door, it’s drafty in here”. I still fail to comprehend how a 49 year old functioning human being can fall out of a car on a motorway. The conclusion is simple.
Right wing conclusion: George Michael should sue the car manufacturer for poor safety. He should also sue the M1. He’s had an accident that wasn’t his fault. He should call claims direct. This is about individual freedom.
Left wing conclusion: How many fucking drugs was the man on? The state should legalise drugs really.
So there you have it. George Michael has fallen out of a car. Let us legalise drugs. Or sue somebody.