Vatican officials are tonight scrambling to undo a string of Papal gaffes which have seen the Catholic church’s hard-earned reputation as a sinister bunch of elderly lunatics called into question.
Pope Francis, Frank to his mates, has in recent days stunned the world with statements which make him sound almost like a normal, thinking human.
“We’re pretty spooked”, admitted Vatican spokesman Jeff Hall. “First he declined the Papal mansion in favour of a regular-sized house. Then he went off visiting his mates in secret and talking to peasants.
“Then he dropped the egg car in for a normal car. We liked the egg car. Everyone looks like a maniac in an egg car.”
Even the new car might not be enough to satisfy the new Pontiff – if rumours are to be believed, his blessing of several thousand bikers last month has made Francis hanker after a dirty great Harley-Davidson so he can arrive at official engagements like a badass.
“We’re really in danger of getting caught out here”, continued the spokesman. “Th things he’s been saying are crazy. All this ‘gay people are ok’, ‘the Catholic church is a bit weird and outdated’, these are things you expect from rational people. You do not expect them from the bleeding Pope! Rationality is not what we’re about.”
The Pope then took a press conference on a plane, strolling back to the surprised journo corps mid-flight, and proceeded to answer any question thrown at him in a jocular, amiable manner. It is unclear whether he was smoking a smooth Gauloise and wearing a turtleneck at this point, laughing and drinking a large brandy. He probably was.
“We can’t be having this”, lamented Fr. Hall. “If he carries on people will start paying attention to us and we’ll have to do stuff instead of just hoarding our vast wealth and ordering ever more elaborate cassocks. That would be a disaster.
“Still, the new Pope has closed the door to female clergy and he did gather 3 million children on a beach the other day.
“So maybe there’s hope yet.”