Grand Theft Auto V: A clear and present danger to society

What did you do this weekend?

Here are some of the things I did:

I drove a superbike up a mountain, snaking along the arete with dexterity and skill, just to get a selfie at the top overlooking the surrounding countryside. After a surprisingly non-fatal accident which involved falling off said mountain on said superbike, I strolled out of hospital and headed for the airport.

After cunningly evading security by smashing my newly-acquired 4X4 through a fence, I merrily dodged police cars before commandeering a passing Learjet. I took the plane for a quick spin out over the ocean, returning to attempt an admittedly risky landing on a mountain road, decimating a herd of deer and a hiker in the process.

I quickly descended the mountain in a clapped out camper van, stopping occasionally in the path of downhill mountain bikers with hilarious consequences. Upon arrival back in the city I took up honest work as a tow truck driver, helping out a friend who had succumbed once again to his crack addiction. Oh JB, when will you learn!

My coup de grace was to steal a yacht from a pair of yuppies, sail it gently up an inlet, get out, punch the man who took a picture of the yacht directly in the face, steal $19 from the man, lead the chasing police up a mountain in a sports car, then lose them by careering down a ravine before shooting over the highway like a steel comet, jumping out in mid-air and obtaining only minor injuries as I ploughed, salmon-like, into the sea.

Admit it, that's a nice yacht.

Admit it, that’s a nice yacht.

I should point out that in the nine hours all of these activities took, I did none of the following:

– eat

– drink appropriate levels of fluid

– leave the sofa

– press pause

– make any human contact outside of grunts

– start the actual story bit of the game

GTA is obviously a very violent game, and it’s getting a lot of stick from a lot of people whose last games console was clearly an Amiga 500, who argue that it will lead to violent copycat behaviour and that videogames are inherently evil and must be outlawed. This is clearly bollocks.

What is more concerning is that Rockstar have made something so vast, detailed, immersive and downright fun that I could conceivably spend the rest of my natural life in a fictional city buying strip clubs or hunting coyotes in a desert with a sniper rifle. I could seal myself off from the world with just this game and be happy for a good long time. I’d never go outside and start picking people off from a clocktower – that would be silly, I live nowhere near any clocktowers – but I could happily become one of those people who has a groove in the sofa which tessellates perfectly their own arse.

Getting it up there without using roads was a completely worthwhile use of an hour.

Getting it up there without using roads was a completely worthwhile use of an hour.

I’m not the only one. Twitter is abuzz with exploits from players or worried messages from their significant others who haven’t seen them for a week. I felt genuine pain for a man who was mauled by a mountain lion whilst trying to take a picture of an elk he’d set on fire.

I mean, who doesn’t want to give that a go? That, my friends, is a story you can tell down the pub when or if you start leaving the house again.

If there is one positive to the situation, it’s that the skydiving practice I’m getting on GTA sets me up nicely for my big charity skydive in the real world in two week; which you can find out about here (seamless Mark, just seamless).

Maybe from now on, instead of labels warning of sex, violence, drug use and the rest, there should be more honest descriptions:

“Warning: this is brilliant. May result in significant loss of free time and/or interpersonal relationships.”

Anyways, off to start the story. See you in about a year. Maybe.

‘Lib Dems not completely pointless’, lies Clegg

As the Lib Dem party conference kicks off to almost no fanfare this week, ‘leader’ Nick Clegg has been on a non-stop publicity tour in an attempt to make the British public forget what a colossal useless shitbag he is.

This morning he was on the Marr show trying to convince anyone who would listen that the Lib Dems are the ultimate guiding force in British politics, saving the hard-working public from the wild excesses and ruinous policies of the Tories or Labour. The only apparent evidence he has to back this up is that his party have managed to convince the Tories to introduce a plastic bag charge in 2015.

And there was much rejoicing.

I used to love the Lib Dems – I wrote a stunningly ill-advised article basically proclaiming them as the renaissance back in 2010, and I can’t be alone in thinking that I personally, on my own and in addition to my day job, could have done a better job of coalition government than they have managed in the last 3 years.

It genuinely wouldn’t surprise me if Cameron kept Clegg in a cage.


"Well this turned out to be shit"

“Well this turned out to be a bit Nick Clegg”

In 4 years the Lib Dems have managed to execute a spectacular fall from grace from upstart voice of the people to comedy whipping boys and general Tory lapdogs in the eyes of the public. They’ve come to resemble Sodastreams – everyone used to think they were cool, then they got their hands on one and realised they’d been conned, and now everyone’s forgotten they exist.

For a brief few weeks, Clegg was close to a political rock star as this country has seen. Now he’s considerably more like Brick Tamland.

They’re getting beaten by UKIP for god’s sake. A formerly serious political party is being outmanoeuvred by this man. This man holding a pint and gurning.

That's right, this man.

That’s right, this man.

So instead of this deluded bullshit about keeping parties in check, changing the face of Britain and being the voice of the people, maybe we could have an admission of total up-fuckery, a long hard think about what the party actually stands for and a concerted effort to crawl out of David Cameron’s arse.

Too much to ask?


Stupid decision #732: Skydiving

As at least some of you will know, I’m not good with heights.

I’m really not good with heights. In fact I’m so poor with heights that I decided to stop growing at 5′ 10″ in case the ground got too far away. True story.

In any case, when asked if I wanted to take part in a charity skydive in October, the only legitimate answer I could have possibly given was “No”.

Instead, being the type of simpering fool who is only happy if he can raise a mild smile or at least avoid outright contempt from others, I uttered something along the lines of “Yeah, that sounds good.” Except in the voice of a meek 8 year old boy which made it clear to all concerned that it wasn’t in any way good. It was an awkward situation.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I’ve now signed up to jump out of a small aeroplane, strapped to another human being, on October 5th.

It's going to go super well

It’s going to go super well

The jump is in aid of the Brain Tumour Charity, who do great work in supporting research into brain tumours, raising awareness and providing support to those affected by brain tumours. A lot of people I know, my own family included, have been affected by brain tumours, and put simply they’re fucking horrible, so supporting these guys is definitely a worthy cause.

So basically, I’m asking for some of your hard-earned cash.

In exchange for your money, you can expect:

– A sense of satisfaction from helping people whose lives are affected, in many cases destroyed, by a horrendous illness

– To laugh maniacally as I weep like a tiny child in a metal tube, then possibly soil myself on a complete stranger before being hurled from a moving plane, screaming all the way to Earth, in all likelihood vomiting on the same stranger, then hanging limply like a dead goose, sobbing, on camera, as I float towards the ground.

– Public recognition on these pages for your generosity, including a made up fact that you never knew about yourself.

– A Twirl or Wispa*

I’m aiming to raise over £250 in a little under 4 weeks. If you can spare some cash towards this I’ll be eternally grateful. You can donate at my page here:

If I get to £1,000 I’ll let you dream up some kind of hilarious forfeit.


And thankyou…