The venerable city of Hull is tonight celebrating being named UK Capital of Culture for 2017, unaware that the whole competition is a cruel joke by London.
London, Bristol, Manchester and a host of pretty, popular cities have secretly engineered the whole event with money they borrowed from Daddy’s credit card in order to teach Hull not to be so ugly and northern and poor.
The whole episode is being filmed as part of a new reality TV show where vain, wealth- and image-obsessed cities play nasty tricks on unsuspecting towns and regions, which will also feature the event several weeks ago where Yorkshire was named as the one of best places to visit in the world in by Lonely Planet. Originally the stage was set for Leeds to be named as the 8th wonder of the world, but it was feared that such an obvious windup might have given the game away.
In Hull, blissfully unaware of the impending embarrassment, a spokesperson was delighted by the achievement. He said:
“We’ve worked so hard for this. We’ve invested a hell of a lot of public money and resource into the bid, and we had some serious competition in Swansea, Leicester and Dundee. All the best to those cities, but from here on in the only way is up for Hull. This could be huge for us – look how much it has put this year’s winner on the map.
“Who is this year’s winner by the way?
“Oh, Londonderry. It’s Londonderry. Apparently.”
London, who came up with the idea whilst in a casino with Milan a few weeks ago, had little remorse for building Hull up before inevitably crushing it like a rice cake under a pneumatic drill. “It should have realised this was piss-take when it saw the words ‘Dundee’ and ‘culture’ in the same sentence.”
Quite how Swansea, Dundee and Leicester became embroiled in this scheme is unclear, although internet rumours suggest that London is in possession of a video of the three cities in a particularly bleak threesome filmed on an iPhone 3.
Even the BBC is in on the joke, writing a lengthy article on Hull’s victory which is only given away by the fact that it can’t find anything notable about the city, save for the fact it has a bridge which is the seventh longest of its type in the world.
The reason behind London’s decision to waste considerable time and money on such an elaborate, cruel trick is partly due to its secret fear that it itself is not a nice, cultural city but a menacing, stinking calamity, and partly due to its new fixation with obscure Youtube videos.
“I saw this video about Eric the Eel the other day.
“And I wondered, how can I get Adrian Moorhouse to say exactly the same thing about Hull as he does about Eric Moussambani?
“Then I watched the trailer for the 1976 film Carrie.
“And a plan was formed. I’ll make Hull into the prom queen, make it think that it’s amazing, and then I’ll pour a mixture of pigs’ blood and entrails on its head by tugging on a poorly-concealed rope.”
“Nothing can go wrong, unless Hull has telekinesis and a thirst for blood, like Carrie does. But I think that’s unlikely.”
It remains to be seen how Hull will react when London finally decides to reveal the joke, probably by text, but it is understood that London really ought to watching its back as a lot of people actually quite like Hull and secretly think London is a bit of a dick.