Christmas shopping mood ‘feral’

As Christmas finally draws near, the season of goodwill is manifesting itself across the land as an orgy of violence and pain where shoppers fight to the death over toasted sandwich makers and novelty tea towels.

The message of peace and happiness to all mankind has been told in no uncertain terms to go fuck itself as 80% of the British population realise they haven’t bought any shit for anyone yet and have probably left it too late to raid Amazon.

The trouble started early this morning when, still suffering from the effects of the obligatory 12 days of Christmas drinking, all of the men in the UK and some of the less forward-thinking women awoke with a sort of in-built alarm chiming in their woozy heads, manically informing them that they hadn’t bought grandma anything yet.

Armed with only the remains of their credit card and a good, solid lump of wood or other blunt instrument, Britons began making their way to the shops as soon as dawn broke at around 10am. Roughly an hour later, the death toll is rumoured to have topped 500 and is set to rise as stores begin to run dangerously low on blenders.

'I saw that Furby first shitbag.'

‘I saw that Furby first shitbag.’

One shopper described the carnage: “It was like the Somme. I saw a man lose an arm trying to hold on to a handheld vacuum cleaner against a vicious onslaught by two nuns and a monk.

That bunny from the John Lewis ad? Dead. So very dead. Feet missing too; I think people heard they were lucky.”

Shop assistants have taken the sensible precaution of coming to work armed to the teeth in order to subdue the roiling masses should shit get really nasty. Store manager Karen Mudwig was shocked by the scenes in her department store: “Why do people do it to themselves? Most of this crap won’t ever even leave the box. Whoever they buy it for will just resent them more, and the human teeth embedded in the items will make it quite clear that this was a last minute purchase paid for in blood. But will uncle Ray be grateful? Will he fuck.”

The other 20% of the UK who are calmly riding out the storm can be classified into three groups: the elderly, most women and men who will make a perfunctory visit to a petrol station on Christmas Eve. The elderly are the most prepared – many bought this year’s gifts back in 1963 and so have been prepared for some time. It’s a little known fact that every gran in the UK has a secret garage where she has ruthlessly stockpiled enough toys, books and small kitchen appliances to supply birthday and Christmas gifts to a family of up to 70 until at least 2050.

The second group, most women, simply have the foresight to plan a bit ahead like rational human beings and got it done, online no less, in mid-November. They must be resented and vilified as much as possible no matter how nice, thoughtful and really quite useful the no doubt perfect gift they give is.

The final group, petrol station men, stoically refuse to care about any of this Christmas guff and in terms of gifts you’ll get what you’re bloody well given and you’ll bloody well enjoy it. De-icer for the car? Perfect for all ages including children and those who don’t drive.

Meanwhile supermarket do-gooders Sainsbury’s have promised to update their godawful advert about zany Christmas Brits doing zany Christmas things to include the reality of last-minute panic-buying, which is just as much a part of Christmas as the turkey and grandparents being racist. A spokesman said: “We plan to include a five minute scene of a woman beating a man to a bloody pulp with our exclusive casserole set. He’ll be dead after one, but that won’t stop her. Our viewers will think, ‘Wow, this lady really wants that casserole set! Maybe I should kill for one too’, which is exactly the message we want to land.”

Merry Christmas.

UK schoolchildren ‘amazing at FIFA’

British children are rubbish at school, but have gaming skills that are the envy of the world, according to a new report.

Whilst British pupils struggle with literacy and numeracy, especially compared to traditional global education powerhouses like Vietnam, those nations’ progeny typically struggle with even basic use of the right thumbstick. Conversely, to watch a British youth unlock an opposition defence with a whirling dance of face buttons, triggers and stick work is to watch a ballet played out on a plasma screen.

Even if that joy evaporates shortly afterwards when the same child can’t tell you what the score is.

The results are staggering given the UK’s world-class treatment of education and the young in recent years. By simultaneously loathing, fearing, castigating, belittling, and, in the case of some tabloids, letching on anybody under 16, it was hoped to create a competitive class of pupils with the self-confidence to excel and the belief that older generations cared about them. The same is true of teachers, who are generally shat on by government and then paid very little and then shat on some more. The theory that this would create a happy, go-getting workforce that would be the dream job for every graduate has, incredibly, been proved false.

Hasn't got a clue what she's doing.

Hasn’t got a clue what she’s doing.

It is thought that education secretary Michael Gove’s response will be to push through his already popular education reforms even faster. Gove is apparently a big fan of the ‘fuck teachers’ mentality, and after these findings it is likely he will adjust that mantra to ‘fuck teachers faster’, which ought to be just wonderful for the entire education system.

His curriculum reforms are largely based around re-introducing sepia tone and the enforced, raucous singing  of ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ every school day, plus some other stuff he wrote one afternoon. They have been labelled as ‘brilliant’ by all his mates and ‘hilariously shit’ by almost everyone associated with British education, so it remains to be seen whether they can rescue the situation.

Fortunately, children themselves remain completely unconsulted on any of this, because obviously their thoughts and opinions are completely unworthy of recognition. All they’ve been told is that they’ve let us all down and destroyed the whole country forever, so it’s highly likely that they’ll now approach school with renewed vigour and enthusiasm and more or less learn like banshees all the time.

Basically everything will probably be fine and we’ll probably be top of the league next time round.

And if that doesn’t work we’ll just smash them at Call of Duty.