March 3, 2014 by Mark Burton
The bit where all those Russians with guns have invaded another country definitely isn’t an invasion, according to Russia.
The entirely trustworthy, non-warmongering, not at all slightly unhinged former superpower has reacted with what can only been described as a fuckload of indignation to reports that it has taken ‘de facto control’ of the bit of Ukraine that looks like testicles.
It has been confirmed that the level of outrage from the Russians at the notion of them making a grab for Ukraine’s balls, also known as Crimea, is directly proportional to the number of Russian soldiers swarming over the territory.
A Kremlin spokesman offered a brief statement from Moscow, which comprised entirely of shrieking ‘How dare you!’ at the top of his voice before slamming the door and flouncing dramatically up the stairs.
Some sources claim that the Russians are being incredibly cunning, and have posited that they are actually saying one thing whilst doing the exact opposite. The basis for these claims is yet to be verified, but seems to be based on absolutely every available shred of evidence. Western governments still appear confused and have responded to the crisis by strongly threatening to hold a meeting, perhaps resulting in a stern letter.
The main source of confusion seems to be the fact that although the troops are Russian men in Russian military uniform, holding Russian guns and coming from Russia or Russian military bases, they are not wearing badges.
An American spokesman said: “We’re stumped. We just can’t tell without the badges. We think it’s probably all legit.
“If Putin’s lying to us, he’s a goddamned genius.”
It is believed that Vladimir Putin’s new found ability to perform amazing feats of duplicity on the rest of the world has stemmed from a recent obsession with Star Wars. A clue lies in a recent memoir from the president, ‘How to Ride Bears Topless in a Totally Heterosexual Fashion’, in which he wrote (translated into English with Russian accent):
“I see man in car. He have droids who other men are looking for. Men who look for droids come to car. They say, ‘hey man, are those droids we’re looking for?’ and he say ‘These aren’t the droids you’re looking for’ and then they go away. One day I do same.”
And as a final coup de grace, the Kremlin have now begun to warn NATO that criticising any action it may or may not be taking in Crimea “will not help stabilise the situation in Ukraine”, before muttering something about protecting Russian citizens abroad. Bullshitters around the world have been heard to break into spontaneous applause at the sheer brass neck on the bastards.
It is still unclear how the hell they’re getting away with this, although it is perfectly possible that NATO, the UN and most other international organisations designed to stop this kind of tomfoolery might be run be incompetent morons. So perhaps a simplified version might help these people understand the basic gist of this scenario:
The policeman and the gangster
[Gangster enters, holding gun]
Policeman: Put that gun down Gangster.
Gangster: I’m not holding a gun.
Policeman: Are you sure?
Policeman: Oh I have been shot.
Gangster: I cannot believe that worked.
P.S. Is there a river in Crimea? I hope there is. I hope it’s called the Crimea River. That’d be ace.