“It’s amazing!”, shout physicists to blank-faced simpletons

A groundbreaking discovery in physics has been widely discredited after claims that it isn’t simple enough to describe in a picture or analogy.

The discovery of primordial gravitational waves, as they’re snappily named, has been greeted in the non-academic world by a groundswell of nonplussed nodding and feigned interest, followed by a long, awkward silence and an abrupt change of subject.

Physicists are at a loss to explain the lack of worldwide acclaim – CERN has allegedly looked like a cross between a rave and an orgy for the past few days while its Large Hadron Collider has been transformed into the ultimate conga line destination in celebration of a new era of physics. When it was explained that the rest of the world cannot even begin to pretend to understand what the hell they’re talking about, one of the researchers attempted to explain the discovery in layman’s terms:

“It’s really very simple……..<some long words>…….inflation…..<more long words>…..cosmic microwave background…….polarised….<even more longwords>….and it’s really that easy.”

"Ah yes, it's perfectly clear now"

“Ah yes, it’s perfectly clear now”

Even with this apparently simplified explanation, many normal people have still not grasped the finer points of this discovery, or indeed any points of this discovery. Psychologists believe that the average Briton has given the subject around 9 seconds of really concerted thought before growing disheartened and flicking to the football pages or snaffling for crisps.

Spokesperson for regular people, Harold Wallace, released a statement:

“We have some questions:

1) Is there a picture which explains this discovery, maybe using arrows or cats?

2) If not, can you explain it in sporting terms or in relation to simple household objects like wine?

If the answer to both of those is ‘no’ then I think we’re done here, but we do have a couple of others:

3) You mentioned the word ‘polarised’. What do polar bears have to do with this?

4) Will this discovery break my microwave?”

The researchers, who have spent over three years analysing their data, have put their findings out for peer review, hoping that at least one of them can make people understand it without spending several years at university and several more under Switzerland:

“We’re confident that by September our peers will have independently verified our work and, more importantly, created a way of explaining it that doesn’t start with ‘imagine you are infinitely small, now imagine you instantly expand to the size of a marble’. And when that happens, it’s going to be fucking mental.



Russians definitely not invading Crimea, say Russians

The bit where all those Russians with guns have invaded another country definitely isn’t an invasion, according to Russia.

The entirely trustworthy, non-warmongering, not at all slightly unhinged former superpower has reacted with what can only been described as a fuckload of indignation to reports that it has taken ‘de facto control’ of the bit of Ukraine that looks like testicles.

It has been confirmed that the level of outrage from the Russians at the notion of them making a grab for Ukraine’s balls, also known as Crimea, is directly proportional to the number of Russian soldiers swarming over the territory.

A Kremlin spokesman offered a brief statement from Moscow, which comprised entirely of shrieking ‘How dare you!’ at the top of his voice before slamming the door and flouncing dramatically up the stairs.

Some sources claim that the Russians are being incredibly cunning, and have posited that they are actually saying one thing whilst doing the exact opposite. The basis for these claims is yet to be verified, but seems to be based on absolutely every available shred of evidence. Western governments still appear confused and have responded to the crisis by strongly threatening to hold a meeting, perhaps resulting in a stern letter.

"These aren't the troops you're looking for"

“These aren’t the troops you’re looking for”

The main source of confusion seems to be the fact that although the troops are Russian men in Russian military uniform, holding Russian guns and coming from Russia or Russian military bases, they are not wearing badges.

An American spokesman said: “We’re stumped. We just can’t tell without the badges. We think it’s probably all legit.

“If Putin’s lying to us, he’s a goddamned genius.”

It is believed that Vladimir Putin’s new found ability to perform amazing feats of duplicity on the rest of the world has stemmed from a recent obsession with Star Wars. A clue lies in a recent memoir from the president, ‘How to Ride Bears Topless in a Totally Heterosexual Fashion’, in which he wrote (translated into English with Russian accent):

“I see man in car. He have droids who other men are looking for. Men who look for droids come to car. They say, ‘hey man, are those droids we’re looking for?’ and he say ‘These aren’t the droids you’re looking for’ and then they go away. One day I do same.”

And as a final coup de grace, the Kremlin have now begun to warn NATO that criticising any action it may or may not be taking in Crimea “will not help stabilise the situation in Ukraine”, before muttering something about protecting Russian citizens abroad. Bullshitters around the world have been heard to break into spontaneous applause at the sheer brass neck on the bastards.

It is still unclear how the hell they’re getting away with this, although it is perfectly possible that NATO, the UN and most other international organisations designed to stop this kind of tomfoolery might be run be incompetent morons. So perhaps a simplified version might help these people understand the basic gist of this scenario:

The policeman and the gangster

[Gangster enters, holding gun]

Policeman: Put that gun down Gangster.

Gangster: I’m not holding a gun.

Policeman: Are you sure?

Gangster: Yes.

Policeman: Ok.

Policeman: Oh I have been shot.

Gangster: I cannot believe that worked.



P.S. Is there a river in Crimea? I hope there is. I hope it’s called the Crimea River. That’d be ace.

London hyperbole levels return to normal

Hyperbole, exaggeration and ridiculously self-important statements have finally receded in London following last week’s tube strikes.

Following 48 hours of having to endure a slightly shitter tube network than normal, incidences of phrases like ‘Blitz spirit’, ‘Dunkirk mentality’ and ‘travel hell’ have dropped down to normal London levels, roughly five times the national average. An actual judge used the words ‘Dunkirk spirit’ to describe a jury managing to make it to court and nobody batted an eyelid, as though reaching a central London location using a still acceptable level of public transport were in any way akin to floating into a warzone across miles of open sea in a bathtub. Similarly, literally all of the people who described an exchange of pleasantries on a bus as ‘Blitz spirit’ were subsequently at a loss to explain how this event was in any way comparable to having high explosive dropped on your house for several years.

The level of blatant egocentrism sweeping the Big Smoke threatened to exceed tolerable levels and leave Londoners weeping uncontrollably into their soy lattes, bleating about enduring terrible hardship. Examples of these travails include waiting 10 minutes for a tube, unplanned use of own legs and talking to other Londoners in a semi-civil manner.

However did we survive?

However did we survive?

Indeed, the infectious wave of camaraderie threatened to engulf the entire capital – reports suggest an outbreak of singing on one bus and strangers helping a fainting woman on another. Many Londoners found themselves unable to intentionally elbow strangers or block people from getting off trains despite a strong urge to do so. They found themselves speaking in tongues, uttering alien phrases like ‘no, you first’. Many have subsequently described the experience as ‘hellish’.

Thankfully, the episode has passed and a healthy level of fear and hatred of one’s fellow human has been re-instilled across the capital.

The rest of the UK, predictably, have failed to see what the problem is with waiting 10 minutes for a bus or train and have quietly pointed out that while it must be quite tough to have to walk to work, it’s probably almost as tough to have your house flooded, have your transport network washed away and your entire county re-classified as a large lake. They have also suggested that Londoners who still think they’ve got any kind of issues at all might like to swap lives for a week, or kindly shut up.

Christmas shopping mood ‘feral’

As Christmas finally draws near, the season of goodwill is manifesting itself across the land as an orgy of violence and pain where shoppers fight to the death over toasted sandwich makers and novelty tea towels.

The message of peace and happiness to all mankind has been told in no uncertain terms to go fuck itself as 80% of the British population realise they haven’t bought any shit for anyone yet and have probably left it too late to raid Amazon.

The trouble started early this morning when, still suffering from the effects of the obligatory 12 days of Christmas drinking, all of the men in the UK and some of the less forward-thinking women awoke with a sort of in-built alarm chiming in their woozy heads, manically informing them that they hadn’t bought grandma anything yet.

Armed with only the remains of their credit card and a good, solid lump of wood or other blunt instrument, Britons began making their way to the shops as soon as dawn broke at around 10am. Roughly an hour later, the death toll is rumoured to have topped 500 and is set to rise as stores begin to run dangerously low on blenders.

'I saw that Furby first shitbag.'

‘I saw that Furby first shitbag.’

One shopper described the carnage: “It was like the Somme. I saw a man lose an arm trying to hold on to a handheld vacuum cleaner against a vicious onslaught by two nuns and a monk.

That bunny from the John Lewis ad? Dead. So very dead. Feet missing too; I think people heard they were lucky.”

Shop assistants have taken the sensible precaution of coming to work armed to the teeth in order to subdue the roiling masses should shit get really nasty. Store manager Karen Mudwig was shocked by the scenes in her department store: “Why do people do it to themselves? Most of this crap won’t ever even leave the box. Whoever they buy it for will just resent them more, and the human teeth embedded in the items will make it quite clear that this was a last minute purchase paid for in blood. But will uncle Ray be grateful? Will he fuck.”

The other 20% of the UK who are calmly riding out the storm can be classified into three groups: the elderly, most women and men who will make a perfunctory visit to a petrol station on Christmas Eve. The elderly are the most prepared – many bought this year’s gifts back in 1963 and so have been prepared for some time. It’s a little known fact that every gran in the UK has a secret garage where she has ruthlessly stockpiled enough toys, books and small kitchen appliances to supply birthday and Christmas gifts to a family of up to 70 until at least 2050.

The second group, most women, simply have the foresight to plan a bit ahead like rational human beings and got it done, online no less, in mid-November. They must be resented and vilified as much as possible no matter how nice, thoughtful and really quite useful the no doubt perfect gift they give is.

The final group, petrol station men, stoically refuse to care about any of this Christmas guff and in terms of gifts you’ll get what you’re bloody well given and you’ll bloody well enjoy it. De-icer for the car? Perfect for all ages including children and those who don’t drive.

Meanwhile supermarket do-gooders Sainsbury’s have promised to update their godawful advert about zany Christmas Brits doing zany Christmas things to include the reality of last-minute panic-buying, which is just as much a part of Christmas as the turkey and grandparents being racist. A spokesman said: “We plan to include a five minute scene of a woman beating a man to a bloody pulp with our exclusive casserole set. He’ll be dead after one, but that won’t stop her. Our viewers will think, ‘Wow, this lady really wants that casserole set! Maybe I should kill for one too’, which is exactly the message we want to land.”

Merry Christmas.

UK schoolchildren ‘amazing at FIFA’

British children are rubbish at school, but have gaming skills that are the envy of the world, according to a new report.

Whilst British pupils struggle with literacy and numeracy, especially compared to traditional global education powerhouses like Vietnam, those nations’ progeny typically struggle with even basic use of the right thumbstick. Conversely, to watch a British youth unlock an opposition defence with a whirling dance of face buttons, triggers and stick work is to watch a ballet played out on a plasma screen.

Even if that joy evaporates shortly afterwards when the same child can’t tell you what the score is.

The results are staggering given the UK’s world-class treatment of education and the young in recent years. By simultaneously loathing, fearing, castigating, belittling, and, in the case of some tabloids, letching on anybody under 16, it was hoped to create a competitive class of pupils with the self-confidence to excel and the belief that older generations cared about them. The same is true of teachers, who are generally shat on by government and then paid very little and then shat on some more. The theory that this would create a happy, go-getting workforce that would be the dream job for every graduate has, incredibly, been proved false.

Hasn't got a clue what she's doing.

Hasn’t got a clue what she’s doing.

It is thought that education secretary Michael Gove’s response will be to push through his already popular education reforms even faster. Gove is apparently a big fan of the ‘fuck teachers’ mentality, and after these findings it is likely he will adjust that mantra to ‘fuck teachers faster’, which ought to be just wonderful for the entire education system.

His curriculum reforms are largely based around re-introducing sepia tone and the enforced, raucous singing  of ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ every school day, plus some other stuff he wrote one afternoon. They have been labelled as ‘brilliant’ by all his mates and ‘hilariously shit’ by almost everyone associated with British education, so it remains to be seen whether they can rescue the situation.

Fortunately, children themselves remain completely unconsulted on any of this, because obviously their thoughts and opinions are completely unworthy of recognition. All they’ve been told is that they’ve let us all down and destroyed the whole country forever, so it’s highly likely that they’ll now approach school with renewed vigour and enthusiasm and more or less learn like banshees all the time.

Basically everything will probably be fine and we’ll probably be top of the league next time round.

And if that doesn’t work we’ll just smash them at Call of Duty.

Hull falls victim to elaborate prank

The venerable city of Hull is tonight celebrating being named UK Capital of Culture for 2017, unaware that the whole competition is a cruel joke by London.

London, Bristol, Manchester and a host of pretty, popular cities have secretly engineered the whole event with money they borrowed from Daddy’s credit card in order to teach Hull not to be so ugly and northern and poor.

The whole episode is being filmed as part of a new reality TV show where vain, wealth- and image-obsessed cities play nasty tricks on unsuspecting towns and regions, which will also feature the event several weeks ago where Yorkshire was named as the one of best places to visit in the world in by Lonely Planet. Originally the stage was set for Leeds to be named as the 8th wonder of the world, but it was feared that such an obvious windup might have given the game away.

In Hull, blissfully unaware of the impending embarrassment, a spokesperson was delighted by the achievement. He said:

“We’ve worked so hard for this. We’ve invested a hell of a lot of public money and resource into the bid, and we had some serious competition in Swansea, Leicester and Dundee. All the best to those cities, but from here on in the only way is up for Hull. This could be huge for us – look how much it has put this year’s winner on the map.

“Who is this year’s winner by the way?

“Oh, Londonderry. It’s Londonderry. Apparently.”

London, who came up with the idea whilst in a casino with Milan a few weeks ago, had little remorse for building Hull up before inevitably crushing it like a rice cake under a pneumatic drill. “It should have realised this was piss-take when it saw the words ‘Dundee’ and ‘culture’ in the same sentence.”

Quite how Swansea, Dundee and Leicester became embroiled in this scheme is unclear, although internet rumours suggest that London is in possession of a video of the three cities in a particularly bleak threesome filmed on an iPhone 3.

Even the BBC is in on the joke, writing a lengthy article on Hull’s victory which is only given away by the fact that it can’t find anything notable about the city, save for the fact it has a bridge which is the seventh longest of its type in the world.

Only 6 longer than it in the entire world. Of that type.

Only 6 longer than it in the entire world. Of that type.

The reason behind London’s decision to waste considerable time and money on such an elaborate, cruel trick is partly due to its secret fear that it itself is not a nice, cultural city but a menacing, stinking calamity, and partly due to its new fixation with obscure Youtube videos.

“I saw this video about Eric the Eel the other day.

“And I wondered, how can I get Adrian Moorhouse to say exactly the same thing about Hull as he does about Eric Moussambani?

“Then I watched the trailer for the 1976 film Carrie.

“And a plan was formed. I’ll make Hull into the prom queen, make it think that it’s amazing, and then I’ll pour a mixture of pigs’ blood and entrails on its head by tugging on a poorly-concealed rope.”

“Nothing can go wrong, unless Hull has telekinesis and a thirst for blood, like Carrie does. But I think that’s unlikely.”

It remains to be seen how Hull will react when London finally decides to reveal the joke, probably by text, but it is understood that London really ought to watching its back as a lot of people actually quite like Hull and secretly think London is a bit of a dick.

Roma community celebrates ‘scapegoat of the year’ award

Romani people are tonight united in celebration after being singled out as the ethnic group most likely to be blamed for all of society’s ills in 2013.

As it transpired that there were more Roma people in the UK than expected, but a whole lot less than say, Britons in Spain, media sources rushed to report on the story in a way that hid the racism behind mounds of statistics whilst making sure to use phrases like ‘crime wave’, ‘child abduction’, ‘poverty’ and ‘shifty-eyed layabouts’. Government sources were quick to remain silent and very much open to throwing the Roma to the wolves.

The group are a surprise winner of the award, which has a rich and varied history in Britain and includes the French, the Irish, anyone who isn’t white, anyone from east of Belgium, and bankers. It was thought that because very little is known about Roma gypsies in this country, people would confuse Roma for Romanians (who won the award back in 2011), Romans (who unlike most other winners did actually invade Britain once), or the Italian football club of the same name, who are yet to attract the ire of the great British public.

The original scapegoat was an actual goat.

The original scapegoat was an actual goat.

However, the public consciousness on Romani people has been stirred recently after a spate of strikingly convenient tabloid revelations linking them to kidnapping. In Greece, a particularly blonde, particularly white girl was found living with a particularly fat Roma couple, which obviously made headline news in the UK. Obviously.

Then in Ireland another white girl was found living with a Roma family and was taken away, but then it turned out she was actually their actual daughter so the papers sort of dropped that one like a stone. Obviously.

When considering both the single story of kidnapping and the new figures, the only natural conclusion is that the Roma represent a terrible threat to British life. As a result, and based on previous winners’ experiences after being named ‘Scapegoat of the Year’, Roma gypsies can expect to be labelled with the following accusations and stereotypes:

  • They’re lazy and here to live on benefits
  • They’re here to steal all our jobs
  • When British people live on benefits it’s different
  • They caused the financial crisis
  • They don’t have British values, they just love drinking
  • British people love drinking too but that’s different
  • They’re uneducated, especially the ones here to seek a good education
  • Britain would be fucking ace if it wasn’t for them
  • Why can’t they go back to their own country?
  • They make us want to move to another country
  • When British people move to another country for a better life it’s different
  • But they aren’t as bad as…[insert 2014 winner here]

They can also expect visits from the EDL, corralled by whichever braindead toad is leading that sorry shower of arseholes these days, although it is understood that they are still having trouble digesting the Roma/Romanians/Romans/Roma FC distinction, so a football stadium and an extinct society could get a bit fucked up first.

Accepting the award, shortly before being chased from the venue by men with flaming torches and pitchforks, a spokesman for the Roma community gave a brief speech:

“You people are fucking weird”, he said.