They’re watching us, the poor bastards

In a completely unsurprising bombshell, it has been revealed that the Americans are watching you. Constantly.

In the midst of a whirlwind of outrage, bewilderment and people saying ‘well, duh’ as America sheepishly admits to a secret global internet monitoring programme, everyone appears to have overlooked the key point that the internet is 99.9% horseshit.

Seriously, have you been on the internet recently? I can’t imagine watching people online is a particularly rewarding job. Nobody has ever gone through any online comment stream and felt better about humanity or that they’ve gained a strong insight into human behaviour. Twitter is a stream of lies and inanity. Facebook is a place where people try and make their lives look good and still manage to look awful. Youtube is just cats. If you type ‘why is’ into Google the fourth most popular autocomplete is ‘why is my poop green’. Even this is just a full-grown* man writing silly words because he gets bored easily.

Can you imagine being one of the poor sods who has to trawl through all this shit? It wouldn’t exactly make for sparkling dinner conversation.

“What did you do at work today honey?”

“”I watched as a man from Utah post threatening yet poorly worded and almost incomprehensibly illiterate messages about Asian people on Twitter, then he spent two hours looking for instructions on how to make homemade explosives out of cheese whilst simultaneously watching cat videos and alternating between writing ‘OMG SO CUTE’ and outright racist comments. Then I’m pretty sure he had a wank.

“I then had to compile this all into a report for my boss without being physically ill.”

Another fine day at GCHQ.

Another fulfilling day at GCHQ.

If that was my job I’d spend a lot of time crying.

If anybody needs empirical proof of just how crap the internet is, have a watch of this¬†and see everybody’s favourite shouty mentalist Alex Jones on Sunday Politics this morning (from about 3mins 30s). A hilarious watch if only for Andrew Neil and David Aaronovitch dealing with him like pros.

Alex Jones’ Youtube videos have been watched over 250 million times. Enough said.

Meanwhile, William Hague has today reassured us all by saying that law-abiding citizens have nothing to fear.

Which doesn’t sound like something from 1984 in any way shape or form.

*shut up.

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