Tossers replaced by arseholes in political earthquake

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has declared a glorious new era in British politics after his shower of arseholes narrowly defeated several bunches of tossers in the European elections.

The European and council elections, which are so important that a) they’re buy one get one free and b) the only people who bothered to vote were the people who have a lot of spare time on their hands on a Thursday and/or are easily led by questionable claims on immigration, were an apparently seismic shift in the British political landscape. Farage promised a political earthquake, which itself was an odd thing to promise given that earthquakes are often, and indeed always, associated with destruction, ruin and death rather than positive change. He duly delivered a tremor which is surely on a par with the legendary Folkestone earthquake of 2007, which caused mild damage to chimney pots and shook a lady’s wardrobe handles.

Seismic.

The charismatic, compared to Cameron, Miliband or a tree, UKIP leader has spent the past two days braying like an aroused donkey, and has now swanned off to Brussels to stare distrustingly at the Polish delegation and complain loudly about how EU is law strangling Britain whilst staying within arm’s reach of the buffet at all times. He is then planning an assault on Westminster – it is unclear whether this will be a political, physical or sexual assault, but Westminster has been advised to start carrying pepper spray and avoid dark alleys.

In other exciting news, voter turnout has been confirmed at a shade over 34%, which is much like one person voting for a threesome while the other two are in the toilet, then them having to go through with it when they get back, and that being absolutely fine.

The other major political parties, and the Lib Dems, have responded in typically sterling fashion to this latest setback by promising to get more in touch with the electorate – even though the electorate have shown that they probably shouldn’t even be touched with a ten foot barge pole. David Cameron has done his best puppy dog eyes before claiming that UKIP was pretty much his idea, and Ed Miliband has tried hard to give the impression that he is human, while Nick Clegg has seemingly taken to permanent weeping and visiting all nine of his voters personally, which has been on the cards for some time now.

So what can we expect in this brave new world? Perhaps the biggest difference to daily life will be that the man who used to use phrases like ‘Johnny Foreigner’ and ‘dirty, untrustworthy, thieving bastard types’ in the pub is now your elected representative, with all the wonderful benefits that will bring. Expect heightened levels of general incompetence coupled with occasional bouts of homophobia.

In Europe, the EU will move from talking about shared values and doing very little, to talking about self interests and doing very little and not letting the Romanian delegate out of sight.

As for the general election next year, who knows. If we believe UKIP, we’ll probably have been overrun by a tidal wave of immigrants and choked to death by bureaucracy this time next year, so it probably won’t matter anyway.

“Bombs good, guns fine, gas bad” declares government

Killing your own citizens using one method is fine, but another way is totally unacceptable, and killing more using British planes and guns would actually be a very good thing, the UK government has announced today.

As it became clear that David Cameron was ‘up to 40% certain’ that President Assad sanctioned a chemical attack on his own people, a claim seemingly based solely on the fact that opposition forces are deemed ‘a bit too shit’ to be toting poison gas, ministers began making exactly the kind of noises which will result in large areas of Damascus being flattened.

There are unconfirmed reports that when not writing impassioned Telegraph articles, William Hague has spent the last four days running around Westminster with a toy Eurofighter, making missile noises then screaming ‘BANG’ repeatedly.

The question absolutely nobody seems to be asking, however, is why poisoning people is considered a war crime, but shooting them casually for a good six months isn’t.

And one that at least some people are asking is why the appropriate response from the UK should be to carry out ‘surgical strikes’ on the country in question with the kind of stunning precision that normally turns important military targets like residential areas and schools into rubble and bodies.

Bunker-bustingly humane.

Sadly, these questions cannot be answered by a hollow soundbite so they are likely to stay off the political agenda indefinitely.

David Cameron has been unequivocal in stressing that the Syria issue is “not like Iraq”, insisting that “What we are seeing in Syria is fundamentally different”, presumably because Iraq cost Tony Blair his job.

It is thought that the fundamental difference in the two situations is that Syria is slightly north-west of Iraq.

Prime Minister launches scathing attack on dither

After two years of dithering, David Cameron has finally pinpointed the cause of Britain’s economic woes. In a strongly worded, combative article in the Mail on Sunday the PM has gone where others have been too afraid to and placed the blame squarely at the feet of dither.

In a move which has left millions reaching for a dictionary and scores remembering the 1950s, Cameron has finally come out and said what absolutely nobody was thinking:

“The reason this country is going to the dogs is not because of social inequality, it’s not to do with the wholescale destruction of the poor, it certainly isn’t to do with us selling everything to obscenely rich, money-obsessed charlatans who we then forget to tax. The reason, my friends, is dither.

“I’m trying to get a pool put in at one of the houses, it’s taking bloody ages! I can’t believe I’ve been so blind as to not see this before, but literally everything that is wrong with the UK is because everything has to go through ‘checks’ and ‘regulation’ and ‘due diligence’ before you can do it. It’s bloody ludicrous!

“I’m having a party next week, what is Rupert going to think if the pool isn’t ready?”

Dave and George have gone against doctors’ advice and have been thinking again.

In a move that has the pungent musk of George Osborne lingering behind it, Cameron has decided that regulation and proper oversight are throttling this country’s burgeoning talents. It is of course well documented that most young offenders turn to crime because there is simply too much red tape to get their artisan bakery off the ground.

Mr Osborne, in a statement he wrote in crayon, said: “Regulation is the bane of this great nation. I’ve been doing a lot of reading of books that date up to around 2003 and everything was deregulated then. Banks and stuff could go and sell all kinds of shit to each other and lend people who lived under bridges a billion pounds to buy a jet and the bankers made loads of money.

Well some of them did, a lot of people got screwed but I only know the ones with the money so it doesn’t really matter. Now I see that everything is getting regulated again and we have a recession. I think I see the culprit…”

In a final flourish of nonsensical drivel, the Prime Minister decried the British attitude of nimby (not in my back yard)-ism.

“Everybody wants more affordable houses, but nobody is willing to let us pave their local park or grandmother to do it. There’s no winning with some people. We don’t need forests anyway, it’s a waste of wood.”, he said. Cameron failed to mention that at exactly the same time William Hague was burying a proposed £10bn investment in a new runway at Heathrow on the grounds that he lives “right under the fucking flightpath”.

Cameron also failed to mention the absolute ton of houses which are sitting empty because nobody can afford to pay £600 a month to rent a table in Tooting, owned by the same ‘wealth creators’ who are very good at creating wealth for themselves and nobody else.

Because he’s a colossal idiot.

Government ‘quickly turning into Eastenders’

In what is being described as a canny PR move by the coalition government, the Tories and the Lib Dems have engaged in an argument so hysterical and ludicrous that the writers of the implausibly popular soap are said to be taking notes and are planning on weaving a similar story into a future plot line.

Clegg is somewhat irked by Gove

The kerfuffle started when chief education clown Michael Gove published a discreet notice in the Daily Mail indicating his intention to ‘take us back to the good old days’ by introducing a raft of sweeping reforms which he appears to have come up with by consulting the kind of bitter twisted old twazzock you find in a dingy pub at three in the afternoon telling anyone who’ll listen that “kids these days don’t know they’re born”.

Gove’s ‘reforms’, which promise to be as successful as the time Facebook floated on the stock market, chiefly comprise siphoning off children onto separate streams such as ‘this is what the inside of a factory looks like’ or ‘would you like fries with that?’ at the age of five if they have any of the following conditions:

1) An inability to have been born south of Hampstead Heath

2) Difficulty spelling the word ‘privilege’

3) A failure to recognise Margaret Thatcher as supreme overlord of creation

Gove has publicly shied away from phrases such as ‘proudly creating the underclass of tomorrow’ or ‘turning the inequality gap into the inequality chasm – get the grubby bastards away from us!’, but has privately had these and more tattooed upon his left buttock.

Other aspects of the changes include a return to sepia tone for all schools, increased pipe-smoking and child molestation for teachers, a marked decline in standards and the re-introduction of the term ‘Johnny Foreigner’, coupled with a healthy splash of racism, to truly bring back the golden age of British education.

Nick Clegg has reacted less than positively to the news. After releasing a statement which simply read “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”, the coalition’s best-used punching bag called a press conference in which he wept hysterically for over two hours, occasionally pausing to shriek that he was “going to slap that slag so hard”, before going on to defend spouse David Cameron in an impassioned and terrifying address:

“David doesn’t know anything about it. This Gove bitch has been sniffing around him for ages, trying to get at him, buying him little gifts and shit, and yeah they’ve been out for coffee and David kissed him WHEN HE WAS DRUNK which is obviously not cheating, but David didn’t know anything about the school thing. He told me. He promised. He said that he hadn’t even seen Michael in weeks and that the reason he didn’t come home last night and when he did he smelt like Michael’s perfume was because he’d been fishing all night and obviously fish smell just like Michael Gove’s perfume and it was a trout that gave him that lovebite. I believe him.

“David wouldn’t do that to me. HE LOVES ME. Tell the bitch that I will take him down and I don’t even care if I ruin my nails when I gouge his fucking eyes out.”

David Cameron has not at all suspiciously kept completely silent while Clegg has been going absolutely batshit, but Nick is starting to suspect something is up as David has become more ‘distant’ in lovemaking sessions.

Leading analysts, however, believe that the developments are all a stunt to win favour with the notoriously easily-pleased British public. Sarah Chalmers, of Djemba-Djemba Consulting, said: “The Tories are really winning voters over with this tacky display of nonsense. Support amongst people who would call their first child Wanker “because it’s funny” is up over 200%. All they need now is a dog that can walk on its hind legs and they’ll be unstoppable. Wait…dog on hind legs…Nick Clegg….SHIIIIIIIIIT.”

“Killing is wrong, Mr Gaddafi. We’ll kill you if you kill people.”

“Hypocrisy and double standards”. These tenets are actually written into the UN Charter, just in Latin so that everybody thinks it means something like “Peace and kittens for all”.

In recent days, the entire UN, namely France, the US and the UK, have arbitrarily decided that it doesn’t much like the violent rumblings in Libya and has come up with a masterplan: prevent the aerial bombardment of Libyans by aerially bombarding Libyans.

If the majesty of this plan wasn’t quite evident enough, then the added spice of shelling Gaddafi-friendly tanks, which are approximately the size of a tank, with smart bombs so smart they eviscerate everything in a 200ft radius should be enough to make even the most venerated military tactician doff the proverbial cap.

"We only got the tank. Those cars were already on fire."

The justification is stunningly arrogant: “[The Libyan opposition have] expressed a clear and overwhelming wish for Gaddafi to go and we agree with that too.” – David Cameron

Fair enough, Dave, but it’s not the Libyan people en masse; a significant minority must still be loyal to the scruffy old tyrant else he’d be out on his arse already. In addition, DC himself isn’t exactly the most popular PM at the moment, but as yet I haven’t heard the unmistakable roar of an F-16 haring towards Downing Street recently. There’s still time.

Of more pressing concern than whether Ban-Ki Moon will crack out the jets next time students take to the streets is the question of what on earth the UN is playing at. This, of course, is a question which has followed the organisation since roughly the very beginning. The majority of the time the international community is perfectly happy to sit back and have a nice cup of tea whilst oppressive regimes tear their people to shreds. In Rwanda they actively stood there and watched, and that’s not an isolated occurrence.

So the incisive international action in Libya seems a little baffling, especially given that Yemen, Syria, and to a lesser extent Saudi Arabia are also currently engaged in enthusiastically ‘repressing’ their own civilians. Apparently the UN doesn’t agree with those people.

The befuddling lack of any kind of consistency only serves to highlight that the whole institution stinks to high heaven when it comes to interventions. Whilst ostensibly an egalitarian forum for collective action, the major behavioural pattern effectively mirrors the whims and cares of the dominant states. Big guns like, big guns get. Big guns no like, Big guns veto. Simples.

“Col Gaddafi, we strike at you safe in the knowledge that the whole world is behind us. Except most of the world, but it’s okay because we can’t really pronounce them and they’re probably not important. I mean, pretty much all of them agreed with the whole no-fly zone thing but then I guess they didn’t see the obvious inference that we saw that by having a no-fly zone you automatically have to bomb anything that moves in order to enforce it, but I suppose that’s not their fault and we’ll just decide for them anyway and we’ve decided that the best way to stop things from flying is just to bomb everything on the ground in case it does start flying and breaks the no-fly zone rules, I mean you wouldn’t think tanks and buildings could fly but I saw an ant do it once so you can’t be too careful, know what I mean?”

The organisation is almost set up not to work; the security council and the veto are utterly ludicrous and do nothing except block majority-led consensus. The self-appointed permanent members effectively decide on all matters of international peace, and a no vote from any of them means no resolution and no UN backed action, which then leads to the big states going off and doing it anyway. Hi Iraq. Obviously this shuts out the rest of the world, unless you’re on the non-permanent committee that year, in which case you don’t have a veto anyway so you might as well be wanking furiously in the corner for all the effect your nation has on proceedings.

If there is to be a global forum for action on international peace, then fine. But let the whole world decide, and let it decide on the appropriate action too. Hold states who invade other nations without consent accountable, properly, and don’t let the big players get away with this cavalier bullshit.

The western powers have got a tentative agreement to stop the Libyan conflict being horribly one-sided, and have used that as an excuse to launch a bombing campaign against somebody they don’t like. The UN shows itself to be either a puppet to western whim, as it has this week, or incapable of holding the west to account when it goes on oil jollies around the globe.

Global democracy? Bollocks.

Cameron accuses himself of hypocrisy

The increasingly confused Prime Minister has today worried fellow ministers by engaging in an impassioned attack on his own policy in the Commons. He followed this by accusing himself of propagating the most outrageous double standards, before squaring up to himself in a manner which made Hugh Grant look like Mike Tyson.

According to a close aide, Mr Cameron has uttered the word ‘cuts’ so many times in the last few months that the word has lost all meaning, and he now spends several nights a week slumped on the kitchen floor, miserably chopping up paper with a pair of rusty scissors.

The crazed debacle began when the embattled Prime Minister’s brain suffered a catastrophic short circuit sometime around noon. Fifteen seconds after telling Manchester City Council to make as many cuts as they possibly could, he performed an astounding volte-face and began railing against the wildly punishing cuts being made by Manchester City Council. Although the Conservative chief is, like many politicians, known for making U-turns at least four times a month, it is generally accepted that there should be a gap of more than four seconds between conflicting statements to allow the media goldfish to forget all about the previous lie.

Is tattooed on the PM's arse

For the PM to simultaneously venture down two conflicting tracks either speaks of unfathomable arrogance and contempt for the public, the gentle yet irresistible collapse of a man’s mind, or a terrible realisation that this whole government lark is a tad more difficult than they told him at Eton. All are worrying, all are funny in their own simple way. Unfortunately, it does not appear to have struck home to the wealthy leader that you can’t force people to cut their budgets and then be surprised and mortified when they cut their budgets. Hilariously, Cameron announced that he believed that the Manchester Council cuts were ‘politically driven’. Opposition MPs were too busy trying to stop their sides from splitting to shout ‘hypocrite’.

In a final flourish, Mr Cameron declared that Manchester Council ought to cut the salary of its chief executive, some £200,000, before cutting public services.

At this point, Ed Miliband reportedly had to be physically restrained before he could shout ”WHAT ABOUT THE BANKERS YOU STUPID CU-”.