Tossers replaced by arseholes in political earthquake

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has declared a glorious new era in British politics after his shower of arseholes narrowly defeated several bunches of tossers in the European elections.

The European and council elections, which are so important that a) they’re buy one get one free and b) the only people who bothered to vote were the people who have a lot of spare time on their hands on a Thursday and/or are easily led by questionable claims on immigration, were an apparently seismic shift in the British political landscape. Farage promised a political earthquake, which itself was an odd thing to promise given that earthquakes are often, and indeed always, associated with destruction, ruin and death rather than positive change. He duly delivered a tremor which is surely on a par with the legendary Folkestone earthquake of 2007, which caused mild damage to chimney pots and shook a lady’s wardrobe handles.

Seismic.

The charismatic, compared to Cameron, Miliband or a tree, UKIP leader has spent the past two days braying like an aroused donkey, and has now swanned off to Brussels to stare distrustingly at the Polish delegation and complain loudly about how EU is law strangling Britain whilst staying within arm’s reach of the buffet at all times. He is then planning an assault on Westminster – it is unclear whether this will be a political, physical or sexual assault, but Westminster has been advised to start carrying pepper spray and avoid dark alleys.

In other exciting news, voter turnout has been confirmed at a shade over 34%, which is much like one person voting for a threesome while the other two are in the toilet, then them having to go through with it when they get back, and that being absolutely fine.

The other major political parties, and the Lib Dems, have responded in typically sterling fashion to this latest setback by promising to get more in touch with the electorate – even though the electorate have shown that they probably shouldn’t even be touched with a ten foot barge pole. David Cameron has done his best puppy dog eyes before claiming that UKIP was pretty much his idea, and Ed Miliband has tried hard to give the impression that he is human, while Nick Clegg has seemingly taken to permanent weeping and visiting all nine of his voters personally, which has been on the cards for some time now.

So what can we expect in this brave new world? Perhaps the biggest difference to daily life will be that the man who used to use phrases like ‘Johnny Foreigner’ and ‘dirty, untrustworthy, thieving bastard types’ in the pub is now your elected representative, with all the wonderful benefits that will bring. Expect heightened levels of general incompetence coupled with occasional bouts of homophobia.

In Europe, the EU will move from talking about shared values and doing very little, to talking about self interests and doing very little and not letting the Romanian delegate out of sight.

As for the general election next year, who knows. If we believe UKIP, we’ll probably have been overrun by a tidal wave of immigrants and choked to death by bureaucracy this time next year, so it probably won’t matter anyway.

Clegg ‘really has fucked up quite badly’

In a frank interview with the BBC’s half man, half spider Andrew Marr this morning, embattled Nick Clegg admitted candidly that he’d done almost the exact opposite of everything he set out to do when he took over the leadership of the Lib Dems.

“I don’t know what’s happened. I went into politics to be honest, to be a fighter, to stand up for the needy and vulnerable, to do the right thing. Ever since I got in league with the Tories that really just hasn’t been on the agenda.

“I’ve also become a compulsive liar. Remember when I said I was going to cut tuition fees? I lied, plain and simple. But I can promise you today that from now on I’ll be doing my utmost to change this.

“See, lying again. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Clegg also used the public showing to describe his plans for what he won’t be doing in the future. He indicated that he would be using all of his available power to make sure that any imminent austerity measures ‘were not put on the backs of the poor’, but had to confess that when he’d put this strong argument to David Cameron, the Prime Minister had laughed at him and then continued to ride around on the backs of the poor in a hearty game of peasant polo whilst George Osborne loitered outside Whitehall mugging anyone not wearing tweed.

“So basically I’m fucked”, sighed the spineless whelp.

Despite this definite no-win situation, the Tories’ human-shield-in-chief was surprisingly optimistic about his future, saying he ‘would not flinch’, even when George was flushing his head down the toilet as he is wont to do between 10-11 Mondays to Thursdays.

“When you are halfway up a mountain, you should not bail out”, declared Clegg, before adding: “Even if you have lost all of your equipment, have only Ming Campbell for food and Danny Alexander for company, and are surrounded by hordes of angry yetis who are determined to throw you off the mountain.”

“Oh, and your best friend is Teresa May. Pass me the vodka would you?”

Government ‘quickly turning into Eastenders’

In what is being described as a canny PR move by the coalition government, the Tories and the Lib Dems have engaged in an argument so hysterical and ludicrous that the writers of the implausibly popular soap are said to be taking notes and are planning on weaving a similar story into a future plot line.

Clegg is somewhat irked by Gove

The kerfuffle started when chief education clown Michael Gove published a discreet notice in the Daily Mail indicating his intention to ‘take us back to the good old days’ by introducing a raft of sweeping reforms which he appears to have come up with by consulting the kind of bitter twisted old twazzock you find in a dingy pub at three in the afternoon telling anyone who’ll listen that “kids these days don’t know they’re born”.

Gove’s ‘reforms’, which promise to be as successful as the time Facebook floated on the stock market, chiefly comprise siphoning off children onto separate streams such as ‘this is what the inside of a factory looks like’ or ‘would you like fries with that?’ at the age of five if they have any of the following conditions:

1) An inability to have been born south of Hampstead Heath

2) Difficulty spelling the word ‘privilege’

3) A failure to recognise Margaret Thatcher as supreme overlord of creation

Gove has publicly shied away from phrases such as ‘proudly creating the underclass of tomorrow’ or ‘turning the inequality gap into the inequality chasm – get the grubby bastards away from us!’, but has privately had these and more tattooed upon his left buttock.

Other aspects of the changes include a return to sepia tone for all schools, increased pipe-smoking and child molestation for teachers, a marked decline in standards and the re-introduction of the term ‘Johnny Foreigner’, coupled with a healthy splash of racism, to truly bring back the golden age of British education.

Nick Clegg has reacted less than positively to the news. After releasing a statement which simply read “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”, the coalition’s best-used punching bag called a press conference in which he wept hysterically for over two hours, occasionally pausing to shriek that he was “going to slap that slag so hard”, before going on to defend spouse David Cameron in an impassioned and terrifying address:

“David doesn’t know anything about it. This Gove bitch has been sniffing around him for ages, trying to get at him, buying him little gifts and shit, and yeah they’ve been out for coffee and David kissed him WHEN HE WAS DRUNK which is obviously not cheating, but David didn’t know anything about the school thing. He told me. He promised. He said that he hadn’t even seen Michael in weeks and that the reason he didn’t come home last night and when he did he smelt like Michael’s perfume was because he’d been fishing all night and obviously fish smell just like Michael Gove’s perfume and it was a trout that gave him that lovebite. I believe him.

“David wouldn’t do that to me. HE LOVES ME. Tell the bitch that I will take him down and I don’t even care if I ruin my nails when I gouge his fucking eyes out.”

David Cameron has not at all suspiciously kept completely silent while Clegg has been going absolutely batshit, but Nick is starting to suspect something is up as David has become more ‘distant’ in lovemaking sessions.

Leading analysts, however, believe that the developments are all a stunt to win favour with the notoriously easily-pleased British public. Sarah Chalmers, of Djemba-Djemba Consulting, said: “The Tories are really winning voters over with this tacky display of nonsense. Support amongst people who would call their first child Wanker “because it’s funny” is up over 200%. All they need now is a dog that can walk on its hind legs and they’ll be unstoppable. Wait…dog on hind legs…Nick Clegg….SHIIIIIIIIIT.”