In a shock admission by the coroner’s office today, it was announced that MI6 codebreaker Gareth Williams, who was found dead padlocked inside a large bag, may not have done it himself.
A statement released by the coroner read as follows: “Having weighed up the evidence, it’s difficult to reach a verdict on whether the sad, sinister and ludicrously-reported death of Mr Williams was inflicted by himself or another. On the one hand, he was found dead padlocked inside a large bag, but on the other hand we also found a ladies’ wig in his bedroom and we suspect he may have been gay.
“So frankly we’re stumped.”
As part of the not-at-all farcical inquiry, an ‘expert witness’ was employed to try and padlock himself inside a large bag and then kill himself. After failing once, the witness was forced to repeat his attempt a mere 300 times, with investigators surprised and disappointed that the laws of physics refused to break even once. At one point, it was thought that a muffled cry of “SUCCESS!” was heard from inside the test-bag, but it later transpired that the phrase uttered was “This is fucking stupid”.
The same witness, who as well as being quite good in a tight space is also a specialist in sniffing out the most monumental bullshit, brought his expertise to bear at the hearing:
“I first began to suspect that the man found dead padlocked inside a large bag had not committed suicide when I discovered that he was found dead locked inside a large bag. Admittedly, the usual elements of suicide were present: the victim was dead, but the real clue for me was that he was dead INSIDE A FUCKING BAG.”
MI6 officials are said to be stunned at the verdict, having been strong in their opinion that this was just a run-of-the-mill mysterious spy suicide.
“We were gobsmacked”, admitted one officer, notable for his pixelated face and actor’s voice. “You may think it unusual, but suicides like this happen all the time in the Service. I remember one chap who cut himself into 89 pieces and scattered himself liberally between Minsk and Dubrovnik a few years back. At first some people suggested he might not have topped himself, but we didn’t find any fingerprints at the scenes so it was definitely suicide.
“Then there was old Binky Rogers, who managed to shoot himself in the head from 300 yards away.
A hastily-drafted statement from the Intelligence Community offered a bullish reprimand to the coroner: “Just because something is undeniably true does not mean it is true. We are not prepared to let fact, evidence or reason stand in the way of our overarching narrative on this subject.
“Did we mention he was a cross-dresser?
“Again, truth has no place in this inquiry. It is high time we stood up for our right to let unsubstantiated, defamatory myths triumph over objective fact, and we are appalled that our unsustainable version of events has been so savagely oppressed by this investigation.
“You’re basically all Stalin.”
In a separate event, the coroner also released a statement today announcing that the sun will ‘probably’ rise tomorrow.
So at least there’s that to look forward to.