After two years of dithering, David Cameron has finally pinpointed the cause of Britain’s economic woes. In a strongly worded, combative article in the Mail on Sunday the PM has gone where others have been too afraid to and placed the blame squarely at the feet of dither.
In a move which has left millions reaching for a dictionary and scores remembering the 1950s, Cameron has finally come out and said what absolutely nobody was thinking:
“The reason this country is going to the dogs is not because of social inequality, it’s not to do with the wholescale destruction of the poor, it certainly isn’t to do with us selling everything to obscenely rich, money-obsessed charlatans who we then forget to tax. The reason, my friends, is dither.
“I’m trying to get a pool put in at one of the houses, it’s taking bloody ages! I can’t believe I’ve been so blind as to not see this before, but literally everything that is wrong with the UK is because everything has to go through ‘checks’ and ‘regulation’ and ‘due diligence’ before you can do it. It’s bloody ludicrous!
“I’m having a party next week, what is Rupert going to think if the pool isn’t ready?”
In a move that has the pungent musk of George Osborne lingering behind it, Cameron has decided that regulation and proper oversight are throttling this country’s burgeoning talents. It is of course well documented that most young offenders turn to crime because there is simply too much red tape to get their artisan bakery off the ground.
Mr Osborne, in a statement he wrote in crayon, said: “Regulation is the bane of this great nation. I’ve been doing a lot of reading of books that date up to around 2003 and everything was deregulated then. Banks and stuff could go and sell all kinds of shit to each other and lend people who lived under bridges a billion pounds to buy a jet and the bankers made loads of money.
Well some of them did, a lot of people got screwed but I only know the ones with the money so it doesn’t really matter. Now I see that everything is getting regulated again and we have a recession. I think I see the culprit…”
In a final flourish of nonsensical drivel, the Prime Minister decried the British attitude of nimby (not in my back yard)-ism.
“Everybody wants more affordable houses, but nobody is willing to let us pave their local park or grandmother to do it. There’s no winning with some people. We don’t need forests anyway, it’s a waste of wood.”, he said. Cameron failed to mention that at exactly the same time William Hague was burying a proposed £10bn investment in a new runway at Heathrow on the grounds that he lives “right under the fucking flightpath”.
Cameron also failed to mention the absolute ton of houses which are sitting empty because nobody can afford to pay £600 a month to rent a table in Tooting, owned by the same ‘wealth creators’ who are very good at creating wealth for themselves and nobody else.
Because he’s a colossal idiot.