Sewers ‘tooling up’ at alarming rate

Britain’s underground passages have launched a sinister war against humanity.

The Subterranean Effluent, Water and Everyday Rubbish Society, or sewers for short, have finally grown tired of centuries of mistreatment by the surface dwelling bipeds above who think it’s fine to pour cooking oil down the sink despite knowing full well that it’s a total dick maneuver.

It is also thought that, being sensitive souls, they are irked that people have stopped dropping rings and other shiny metals into drains like everybody did in the 20th Century, as the lustrous object provided a pleasing contrast to the earthy tones produced by the endless rivers of shite.

The sewers have two main weapons in the fight against us. The first is a good old-fashioned explosion. By leaking onto surrounding electric cabling it is possible to create a fairly significant blast, and guerilla elements in the sewer network have become increasingly adept over the past few years. In just a year they managed to increase their attacks by 150%.

A spokesman for the sewers, concealing his identity with a manhole cover, said: “We are bringing terror to the streets of Britain. Literally. Al-Qaeda haven’t got shit on us. Literally.”

Shit's about to get real.

Shit’s about to get real.

Today a new weapon emerged, or rather submerged, under the streets of Kingston. A ‘fatberg‘, a gruesome device cunningly assembled from baby wipes, butter and regurgitated Big Macs, was found lurking underneath a block of flats. Weighing 15 tonnes and around the size of a bus, it is clear that the ‘berg was almost ready for launch. Kingston County Council have rightly been praised for their swift counter-terrorism actions, which involved a bloke submerged in used condoms chucking chemicals at it for three weeks.

It is unclear what the exact purpose of the fatberg is, although experts suspect the sewers lack of satellite signal means they are some what out of touch with current events. Their latest news source is allegedly a copy of the Times from April 1912 and the group is certain that the surface world is still in a golden age of ocean liners with inept captains and insufficient lifeboat provision. It is believed they intend to launch a flotilla of fatbergs into the Atlantic and watch the carnage unfold.

The spokesman seemed to confirm this theory: “Soon all your boats will be sinking like chicken nuggets in a cesspool thanks to our mighty fatbergs.”

“Although thinking about it they are basically made of lubricants, so stuff might just glide off whilst receiving a free wax.”

“But fuck it, you’ll still pay. Just wait til we unleash the turdmines.”