New record for sentences beginning with ‘I’m not a homophobe, but…’

Britain’s self-professed homophobes have suffered an uneasy day today as they furiously battled not to be seen as homophobes whilst making outrageously homophobic statements.

At the last count some minutes ago, 24,000 sentences had been opened with the words “I’m not a homophobe, but…”, or “Now, I’ve got nothing against it, but…”, followed by an incredibly bigoted remark.

The homophobes, representing over 50% of Tory MPs and around 0.3% of normal people, spent the afternoon constructing hilariously awkward and misjudged arguments about why two people getting married who happen to be of the same sex was dangerously wrong. This is the part of the show where I usually make up whimsical quotes to suit the story I’m writing, but tonight I’m going to just go ahead and use real ones, because they’re funnier.

Sir Roger Gale, absolutely unknown until he opened his cakehole today, opined:

“It is not possible to redefine marriage. Marriage is the union between a man and a woman, has been historically, remains so. It is Alice in Wonderland territory, Orwellian almost, for any Government of any political persuasion to seek to come along and try to re-write the lexicon. It will not do.”

This is a delightful statement because nobody has any idea what the fuck this man means. Alice in Wonderland territory? Orwellian? Turns out Orwell’s most oft-quoted line should actually read:

“If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face – forever. And some dudes getting married.”

The part about re-defining marriage is also a stunner. Marriage gets re-defined all the time. Up until 1991 a man could rape his wife without an fear of recrimination; the state apparently taking the phrase “I do” to mean “it’s yours whenever you want it”. Wonder how many people kicked off about that re-definition?

Up until 1949 you could marry a 12 year old girl. People were presumably less fussy about protecting the ancient tradition of marriage when they realised the ramifications of that particular piece of history.

Finally, it wouldn’t be a homosexuality debate without somebody referring to the good old-fashioned Bible. Plenty of people cracking out Leviticus quotes today about men lying with men and such. That’s fine. For balance, here are some other points in the same book:

Menstruating women are unclean

Don’t mix seeds when sowing a field or wear a garment with mixed fibers

“And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat.”

If you have sex with a slave woman, you must then scourge her.

Leviticus. It’s fun and full of great lessons and useful tips for daily life. No more mixed fibre clothes for me.

All in all, positive news.

Gay couples in the UK, finally, in 2013, have the right to join millions of man-lady couples in a long, sad life of boredom, bitterness, resentment and passive-aggressive hate. Basically a very drawn-out suicide pact.

To marriage!

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