“Er, you can’t just quit mate”, God tells Pope

God has reacted furiously after his representative on Earth declared he was resigning from a post which is very much in the ‘job for life’ category.

The pontiff, 85, has decided to leave the Vatican as he feels unable to perform his papal duties any longer. He has declined to outline which duties out of sitting down, wearing large hats, tweeting and subtly promoting intolerance he is now physically unable to perform.

God, ∞, was less than sympathetic to his employees resignation:

“Frankly, this is bullshit of the highest order. I absolutely fail to comprehend how somebody can be too old to be Pope. There’s nothing new to fear, there’s no terrifying change to worry about, you sit on your arse 24 hours a day and get paid to hold incredibly old-fashioned views and you get to wear loose, comfortable garments which allow easy access to sponge-bathers. It is tailor-made for the elderly and infirm.

“Besides, John Paul II was actually dead for the last three years of his reign, and he is widely regarded as a man who got shit done.”

Will absolutely rinse the stationery cupboard when he leaves.

Will absolutely rinse the stationery cupboard when he leaves.

Vatican officials are working like demons this evening to suppress claims that God might have made a mistake when he used his divine will to elect Cardinal Ratzinger, then a whippersnapper of 78.

“God knew this would happen. In many ways, it’s God’s way of showing us he loves us and should continue chanting things at him and giving him money,” said a Vatican official this evening.

In slightly contradictory remarks, God said: “I had no idea this was going to happen. I keep telling people: I’m not actually omniscient, I’m just good at pub quizzes.”

What the Pope will do now is a hotly-debated topic, with many expecting him to start a music career and release a solo album by the end of the year. Others are drawing the inevitable comparison between the pontiff joining Twitter and then quickly leaving his job, leading to speculation that he might pursue a career putting witty put-downs and pithy remarks into 140 characters or less.

One avenue that the soon to be ex-Pope will be keen to avoid is death, as it will place him in a pretty awkward situation. If God is not real, he will have wasted his entire life and will feel something of a tit. If, on the other hand, God is real, it will set up a meeting with his former employer, who might just be a tad pissed off.

And if the Bible has taught us one thing, it is that God has a short fuse and no sense of restraint.

“Things are going to get spicy”, grinned God, cracking his infinitely-loving knuckles.

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God ‘definitely a bit right-wing’, everybody agrees

WARNING: Casual blasphemy alert.

If you’re sensitive about that sort of thing I’d suggest sitting this one out. It’s all in jest though.

It has been confirmed this week that God is, as has often been suspected, a bit of a Tory.

In a series of increasingly spectacular episodes, the elusive deity has not only reconfirmed s/he/it’s existence, but has categorically shown s/he/itself to be a fervent exponent of economic austerity and low tax rates for the wealthy.

“At least somebody is on my side”

The first clue as to sheit’s (yes, I’m sticking with sheit from here on in) political persuasion came when the supreme being repeatedly attempted to murder the new socialist president of France. Using the classic Biblical technique of drowning the shit out of one’s enemies, pulled off to devastating effect when dumping the Red Sea on some noticeably liberal Egyptians a couple of millenia ago, God tried to drown Francois Hollande in his reasonably-priced suit at his inauguration.

When this plan failed, in part due to Paris’s unhelpfully efficient and probably publicly funded drainage system, the overlord decided to try and electrocute the tax-hiking infidel in his jet before he could poison Angela Merkel’s thoughts with his blasphemous talk of maybe getting a few extra Euros out of the rich and investing in some big projects that might get people working again.

Not content with the attempted destruction of his political enemies in France, God then turned sheit’s attention south to Athens in order to prevent a left-leaning coalition forming in the troubled state. A source from heaven told us that God has been stalking the halls of paradise muttering “I’ll send those bastards back to the drachma before I let those commies anywhere near the Eurozone” and “Zeus would be turning in his grave if he knew this shit was going on.”

The final coup de grace performed this week, in what has been described by officials as “a pretty bloody busy week” for the Creator, best known for sitting back and relaxing for a few billion years after seven days’ hard work, was to oversee the miraculous ascension of a mediocre football teams Manchester City and Chelsea to the ranks of ‘best football team in relatively small nation’ and ‘best football team in area covering one eighth of the world’s populace’ respectively. Many have since speculated that this was God’s way of stating that those who have the most money are truly the most favoured in sheit’s eyes.

All of this drama has left the swathes of liberal citizens in a bit of a quandary, as they are now pretty much obliged to side with Satan in any given debate. Thankfully, the misunderstood dark lord has offered some reassuring words to the cautious left:

“First of all, this whole sheit is good and I am evil thing is miles off target. Just because God managed to publish their book first meant that mine never got a look in. Now people who have never even read my treatise on the benefits of redistributing the wealth come out with all this crap that I’m about stealing people’s souls and corrupting lives and thoughts. All I said was that I thought that a strong state was an inherently good thing. What sheit wrote in the Bible was out and out slander. It isn’t even hot in hell! I had the thermostat about two degrees higher than sheit liked when God and I lived together and sheit’s never let me live it down.

“And another thing, God really isn’t that all-powerful or all-loving or all-creating or anything. Want proof? ME! If you’re all-powerful and in control then how come I’m here at all? What kind of divine force creates a nemesis for itself?!

“Where was I? Oh yeah, the politics thing. Frankly I’m surprised you’ve not seen this before. Even at a basic level. Communists: red. Labour: red. Satan: penchant for scarlet. See the theme? The Americans have been on to me for years, and you all thought they were crazy. They are of course, but they were technically right when they said that communism is the devil.”

Whilst it is unclear how Labour will use the endorsement of mankind’s ultimate nightmare, it seems certain that the link to hell will be played down somewhat for at least the next few years, or at least until Lucifer can sort out his PR and revamp his image. Ed Miliband has politely declined the demon’s offer to speak at the next party conference, but privately concedes that he’d probably be a better on Have I Got News for You than Ken Livingstone was, so a use may yet be found.

P.S. Shiny new dedicated Twitter account! Follow @rantraverelax for updates. Unless somebody smites me first.