‘Lib Dems not completely pointless’, lies Clegg

As the Lib Dem party conference kicks off to almost no fanfare this week, ‘leader’ Nick Clegg has been on a non-stop publicity tour in an attempt to make the British public forget what a colossal useless shitbag he is.

This morning he was on the Marr show trying to convince anyone who would listen that the Lib Dems are the ultimate guiding force in British politics, saving the hard-working public from the wild excesses and ruinous policies of the Tories or Labour. The only apparent evidence he has to back this up is that his party have managed to convince the Tories to introduce a plastic bag charge in 2015.

And there was much rejoicing.

I used to love the Lib Dems – I wrote a stunningly ill-advised article basically proclaiming them as the renaissance back in 2010, and I can’t be alone in thinking that I personally, on my own and in addition to my day job, could have done a better job of coalition government than they have managed in the last 3 years.

It genuinely wouldn’t surprise me if Cameron kept Clegg in a cage.


"Well this turned out to be shit"

“Well this turned out to be a bit Nick Clegg”

In 4 years the Lib Dems have managed to execute a spectacular fall from grace from upstart voice of the people to comedy whipping boys and general Tory lapdogs in the eyes of the public. They’ve come to resemble Sodastreams – everyone used to think they were cool, then they got their hands on one and realised they’d been conned, and now everyone’s forgotten they exist.

For a brief few weeks, Clegg was close to a political rock star as this country has seen. Now he’s considerably more like Brick Tamland.

They’re getting beaten by UKIP for god’s sake. A formerly serious political party is being outmanoeuvred by this man. This man holding a pint and gurning.

That's right, this man.

That’s right, this man.

So instead of this deluded bullshit about keeping parties in check, changing the face of Britain and being the voice of the people, maybe we could have an admission of total up-fuckery, a long hard think about what the party actually stands for and a concerted effort to crawl out of David Cameron’s arse.

Too much to ask?