Desmond to relaunch Channel 5 as ‘grim vision of the future’

In a bold step for the veteran media mogul, Richard Desmond has decided to merge all of the worst things in British popular culture into one channel, finally satisfying the country’s urge for 24/7 unadulterated wank.

Allegedly, the idea for this new ‘hypershit’ form of television came to the creative director after eating some fairly dubious scallops. Whilst reflecting on the porcelain-framed horror below him, the director thought, “That’s just crazy enough to work”. Several months and literally hours of work later, the result is a concept that is so baseless that Denise van Outen has walked out on it before it’s even begun on the grounds of it being “too fackin’ trashy.”

(Side comment: Apologies to Denise van Outen for that cheap shot. Far from being trashy, she is positively saintly given that she’s from Basildon. Basildon, for the uninitiated, is a town where I was once refused entry to a drinking establishment on the grounds of inappropriate footwear. Simultaneously, an appropriately attired gentleman emerged from said establishment, loudly proclaiming that he was, in his own words “going to get my fackin’ shooter.”)

Genuinely though, the real details of Desmond’s relaunch are funnier than any attempt at taking the piss. Instead of the admittedly ropey but definitely still news-based news show ‘Live from Studio Five’, they’re going with OK! TV. Which is exactly what it looks like, and which you’d hope isn’t a horrible sign of things to come:

“And now on BBC One, our new flagship news show, Stuff!, presented by Huw Edwards. Today, Huw spends in excess of 45 minutes discussing whose tit fell out at which premiere, and how to make your pathetic life even more miserable by omitting foods which contain the letter A.”

In addition, the new flagship program is a reality show set in a lesbian bar, probably with some awful pun like Fannying Around for a title, and there are ongoing talks to lure the ‘it just won’t die!’ Big Brother franchise over.

As well as this high quality channel, Desmond also owns the Daily Star, which has recently come out in support of the English Defence League, and the Express, which as of last month was no longer classed as a newspaper.

Critics might argue that Mr Desmond is actively building an empire of mind-numbing trash and encouraging his media stations to cash in on morally vacuous and/or openly bigoted dross. I, however, put it to you that he is in fact the most intelligent social engineer the world has known.

I predict that the whole ‘relaunch’ thing is a smokescreen. In six months, Channel 5, as well as all other Desmond outlets, will undergo another rebranding and all be named ‘The Bad Thing’. Then, like a modern-day Pavlov, he will precede every article, every program, everything his organisation does, with the phrase ‘THIS IS BAD’. Thus, we will all eventually be conditioned to deplore racism, xenophobia, OK! magazine and anything involving Katie Price. In time Desmond will be known as a kind of deity, a man who subtly broke down the divides separating us, ushered in the Age of Peace, and he shalt become divine. Bankrupt, probably, but divine.

And just as the coming of Jesus was foretold by the passage of a star across the celestial sky, the dawn of the Age of Peace shall be foretold by the passage of Jeremy Kyle across the terrestrial channels, coming to rest on Channel 5, and hailed as the embodiment of ‘The Bad Thing’.

Of course, if my prophesy turns out to be wide of the mark, Richard Desmond will have a hell of a lot to answer for.