Labour confusing words again

The Labour Party – Britain’s premier right of centre left wing political party – has started mixing up its words and phrases again.

As the Labour leadership election contest heats up, many prominent bigwigs have become somewhat lost in the moment and completely lost track of their vocabulary.

The most obvious and oft-repeated mistake of recent days has been the use of the word ‘credible’, where in fact the phrase ‘an utter bastard’ ought to have been deployed.

Key examples include:



As well as a fairly widespread attempt to label frontrunner Jeremy Corbyn as “not credible”. In a lightly more complex misunderstanding, many big beasts within the party have apparently, somehow, been using the word ‘electable’ in place of the common phrase, “exactly like the Tories, except wearing a red tie”. Journalists recently recorded a conversation between Tony Blair and Peter Mandelson which shows how commonplace this mis-speech has become:

Blair: This Corbyn fellow – do we think he’d make a good leader?

Mandelson: Well, let’s see. He’s had about 60% of the vote in his constituency for the last 32 years so he must be doing something right.

Blair: That’s good – is he credible though?

Mandelson: No. He’s not a fan of having a large and costly arsenal of those vital nuclear weapons we so desperately need, he’s against selling off literally everything we have, and for some reason he doesn’t think migrants are the cause of all of our problems.

Blair: This sounds bad. I dread to ask, but which countries does he want to bomb?

Mandelson: None of them Tony. None at all. Not even the really oily ones.

Blair: Sweet lord. Please tell me he’s at least electable Peter?

Mandelson: That’s just the thing Tony – I’ve never even seen him in a tie.

Blair: Well this could be a total disaster, we’ll never attract the UKIP vote with that kind of attitude. Tell you what, let’s use our overwhelming publicly popularity to speak out and bury this rabble rouser.

Mandelson: Great idea. And if for some unthinkable reason that doesn’t work, let’s suggest we cancel the election altogether until Corbyn dies and we get a leader who is credible. That would send a great message and not make us look even remotely stupid.

Blair: You’ve still got it Peter. Now, which one of these orphans should we kick next?

Labour does have form in this area – most notably during the reign of Blair when they started using the term ‘has millions of massive nuclear weapons pointed at us RIGHT NOW’ in place of ‘is totally unarmed’ – so this latest episode is not altogether surprising.

Perhaps Corbyn’s radical ideas are just too scary for many to contemplate – a more equal society, a move away from the pursuit of naked profit at all costs, pointing out that perhaps all the money doesn’t need to be shared between about 4 people, spending more cash on schools than on massive tanks – these are all things that surely no ordinary voter could ever align to.

We don’t need a genuine alternative to right wing politics in the UK. What this country surely needs is a Labour party headed by an identikit politician that works hard for the rich and the middle classes, shows a bit of flirtatious ankle to our hard-working billionaires, and installs a death ray that sweeps over Calais roughly every fifteen minutes.

If they don’t fight for these necessities, who will?

“Nice idea, but what’s in it for me?” Nation asks Miliband

Responsible capitalism, you say? No, I don’t believe I follow.”

The embattled Labour chief has faced confusion and a mild level of threat from the public in the wake of his outrageous assertions that perhaps we might all be just a bit nicer and less all-round bastardish when it comes to each other and money.

“But if I’m not actively fucking somebody over how on Earth am I going to afford more shiny, pointless shit to fill the gaping hole where my soul used to be?” was the much-echoed response of the British Union of Priests.

With a recent opinion poll indicating that over 98% of Britons now regard trading in their grandmother for an R-reg Volkswagen Golf as less of a heinous unthinkable act and more of a solid economic move, Miliband’s plea for us to stop robbing each other blind in search of another luxury yacht/bigger telly/shinier shoes/chips appears to have fallen on deaf ears.

Whilst it’s certainly true that many of us would probably like to see an end to the “get screwed, screw someone else” individualism that has seen the UK descend into some kind of horrendous economic conga line gang-bang, a ghastly product from the unholy union of the joint national loves of queueing and debauchery, most are afraid that if they step outside the cycle then they won’t be ‘getting’ any at all.

As it were.

“So, you’re saying that the people who make my heating bill the written equivalent of water-boarding every few months could stop doing that, but in return I’d have to stop exploiting everyone around me to further my hollow existence? You’re insane.”

It’s hard not to feel sorry for quiet Ed. Prominent members of his party who certainly wouldn’t be prominent members of his party were it not for him have decried his lack of strategy and leadership, apparently on the grounds that Miliband prefers adult, reasoned debate to shouting and screaming and calling David Cameron a misguided, ruddy-faced idiot.

And apparently he is in danger of ‘losing the economic argument’ by saying that perhaps a bit less ego-centrism might be a good thing.

Which it obviously would.

God the world is depressing.