British children are rubbish at school, but have gaming skills that are the envy of the world, according to a new report.
Whilst British pupils struggle with literacy and numeracy, especially compared to traditional global education powerhouses like Vietnam, those nations’ progeny typically struggle with even basic use of the right thumbstick. Conversely, to watch a British youth unlock an opposition defence with a whirling dance of face buttons, triggers and stick work is to watch a ballet played out on a plasma screen.
Even if that joy evaporates shortly afterwards when the same child can’t tell you what the score is.
The results are staggering given the UK’s world-class treatment of education and the young in recent years. By simultaneously loathing, fearing, castigating, belittling, and, in the case of some tabloids, letching on anybody under 16, it was hoped to create a competitive class of pupils with the self-confidence to excel and the belief that older generations cared about them. The same is true of teachers, who are generally shat on by government and then paid very little and then shat on some more. The theory that this would create a happy, go-getting workforce that would be the dream job for every graduate has, incredibly, been proved false.
It is thought that education secretary Michael Gove’s response will be to push through his already popular education reforms even faster. Gove is apparently a big fan of the ‘fuck teachers’ mentality, and after these findings it is likely he will adjust that mantra to ‘fuck teachers faster’, which ought to be just wonderful for the entire education system.
His curriculum reforms are largely based around re-introducing sepia tone and the enforced, raucous singing of ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ every school day, plus some other stuff he wrote one afternoon. They have been labelled as ‘brilliant’ by all his mates and ‘hilariously shit’ by almost everyone associated with British education, so it remains to be seen whether they can rescue the situation.
Fortunately, children themselves remain completely unconsulted on any of this, because obviously their thoughts and opinions are completely unworthy of recognition. All they’ve been told is that they’ve let us all down and destroyed the whole country forever, so it’s highly likely that they’ll now approach school with renewed vigour and enthusiasm and more or less learn like banshees all the time.
Basically everything will probably be fine and we’ll probably be top of the league next time round.
And if that doesn’t work we’ll just smash them at Call of Duty.