Tossers replaced by arseholes in political earthquake

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has declared a glorious new era in British politics after his shower of arseholes narrowly defeated several bunches of tossers in the European elections.

The European and council elections, which are so important that a) they’re buy one get one free and b) the only people who bothered to vote were the people who have a lot of spare time on their hands on a Thursday and/or are easily led by questionable claims on immigration, were an apparently seismic shift in the British political landscape. Farage promised a political earthquake, which itself was an odd thing to promise given that earthquakes are often, and indeed always, associated with destruction, ruin and death rather than positive change. He duly delivered a tremor which is surely on a par with the legendary Folkestone earthquake of 2007, which caused mild damage to chimney pots and shook a lady’s wardrobe handles.



The charismatic, compared to Cameron, Miliband or a tree, UKIP leader has spent the past two days braying like an aroused donkey, and has now swanned off to Brussels to stare distrustingly at the Polish delegation and complain loudly about how EU is law strangling Britain whilst staying within arm’s reach of the buffet at all times. He is then planning an assault on Westminster – it is unclear whether this will be a political, physical or sexual assault, but Westminster has been advised to start carrying pepper spray and avoid dark alleys.

In other exciting news, voter turnout has been confirmed at a shade over 34%, which is much like one person voting for a threesome while the other two are in the toilet, then them having to go through with it when they get back, and that being absolutely fine.

The other major political parties, and the Lib Dems, have responded in typically sterling fashion to this latest setback by promising to get more in touch with the electorate – even though the electorate have shown that they probably shouldn’t even be touched with a ten foot barge pole. David Cameron has done his best puppy dog eyes before claiming that UKIP was pretty much his idea, and Ed Miliband has tried hard to give the impression that he is human, while Nick Clegg has seemingly taken to permanent weeping and visiting all nine of his voters personally, which has been on the cards for some time now.

So what can we expect in this brave new world? Perhaps the biggest difference to daily life will be that the man who used to use phrases like ‘Johnny Foreigner’ and ‘dirty, untrustworthy, thieving bastard types’ in the pub is now your elected representative, with all the wonderful benefits that will bring. Expect heightened levels of general incompetence coupled with occasional bouts of homophobia.

In Europe, the EU will move from talking about shared values and doing very little, to talking about self interests and doing very little and not letting the Romanian delegate out of sight.

As for the general election next year, who knows. If we believe UKIP, we’ll probably have been overrun by a tidal wave of immigrants and choked to death by bureaucracy this time next year, so it probably won’t matter anyway.

“Nice idea, but what’s in it for me?” Nation asks Miliband

Responsible capitalism, you say? No, I don’t believe I follow.”

The embattled Labour chief has faced confusion and a mild level of threat from the public in the wake of his outrageous assertions that perhaps we might all be just a bit nicer and less all-round bastardish when it comes to each other and money.

“But if I’m not actively fucking somebody over how on Earth am I going to afford more shiny, pointless shit to fill the gaping hole where my soul used to be?” was the much-echoed response of the British Union of Priests.

With a recent opinion poll indicating that over 98% of Britons now regard trading in their grandmother for an R-reg Volkswagen Golf as less of a heinous unthinkable act and more of a solid economic move, Miliband’s plea for us to stop robbing each other blind in search of another luxury yacht/bigger telly/shinier shoes/chips appears to have fallen on deaf ears.

Whilst it’s certainly true that many of us would probably like to see an end to the “get screwed, screw someone else” individualism that has seen the UK descend into some kind of horrendous economic conga line gang-bang, a ghastly product from the unholy union of the joint national loves of queueing and debauchery, most are afraid that if they step outside the cycle then they won’t be ‘getting’ any at all.

As it were.

“So, you’re saying that the people who make my heating bill the written equivalent of water-boarding every few months could stop doing that, but in return I’d have to stop exploiting everyone around me to further my hollow existence? You’re insane.”

It’s hard not to feel sorry for quiet Ed. Prominent members of his party who certainly wouldn’t be prominent members of his party were it not for him have decried his lack of strategy and leadership, apparently on the grounds that Miliband prefers adult, reasoned debate to shouting and screaming and calling David Cameron a misguided, ruddy-faced idiot.

And apparently he is in danger of ‘losing the economic argument’ by saying that perhaps a bit less ego-centrism might be a good thing.

Which it obviously would.

God the world is depressing.