‘Lib Dems not completely pointless’, lies Clegg

As the Lib Dem party conference kicks off to almost no fanfare this week, ‘leader’ Nick Clegg has been on a non-stop publicity tour in an attempt to make the British public forget what a colossal useless shitbag he is.

This morning he was on the Marr show trying to convince anyone who would listen that the Lib Dems are the ultimate guiding force in British politics, saving the hard-working public from the wild excesses and ruinous policies of the Tories or Labour. The only apparent evidence he has to back this up is that his party have managed to convince the Tories to introduce a plastic bag charge in 2015.

And there was much rejoicing.

I used to love the Lib Dems – I wrote a stunningly ill-advised article basically proclaiming them as the renaissance back in 2010, and I can’t be alone in thinking that I personally, on my own and in addition to my day job, could have done a better job of coalition government than they have managed in the last 3 years.

It genuinely wouldn’t surprise me if Cameron kept Clegg in a cage.

 

“Well this turned out to be a bit Nick Clegg”

In 4 years the Lib Dems have managed to execute a spectacular fall from grace from upstart voice of the people to comedy whipping boys and general Tory lapdogs in the eyes of the public. They’ve come to resemble Sodastreams – everyone used to think they were cool, then they got their hands on one and realised they’d been conned, and now everyone’s forgotten they exist.

For a brief few weeks, Clegg was close to a political rock star as this country has seen. Now he’s considerably more like Brick Tamland.

They’re getting beaten by UKIP for god’s sake. A formerly serious political party is being outmanoeuvred by this man. This man holding a pint and gurning.

That’s right, this man.

So instead of this deluded bullshit about keeping parties in check, changing the face of Britain and being the voice of the people, maybe we could have an admission of total up-fuckery, a long hard think about what the party actually stands for and a concerted effort to crawl out of David Cameron’s arse.

Too much to ask?

 

Clegg ‘really has fucked up quite badly’

In a frank interview with the BBC’s half man, half spider Andrew Marr this morning, embattled Nick Clegg admitted candidly that he’d done almost the exact opposite of everything he set out to do when he took over the leadership of the Lib Dems.

“I don’t know what’s happened. I went into politics to be honest, to be a fighter, to stand up for the needy and vulnerable, to do the right thing. Ever since I got in league with the Tories that really just hasn’t been on the agenda.

“I’ve also become a compulsive liar. Remember when I said I was going to cut tuition fees? I lied, plain and simple. But I can promise you today that from now on I’ll be doing my utmost to change this.

“See, lying again. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Clegg also used the public showing to describe his plans for what he won’t be doing in the future. He indicated that he would be using all of his available power to make sure that any imminent austerity measures ‘were not put on the backs of the poor’, but had to confess that when he’d put this strong argument to David Cameron, the Prime Minister had laughed at him and then continued to ride around on the backs of the poor in a hearty game of peasant polo whilst George Osborne loitered outside Whitehall mugging anyone not wearing tweed.

“So basically I’m fucked”, sighed the spineless whelp.

Despite this definite no-win situation, the Tories’ human-shield-in-chief was surprisingly optimistic about his future, saying he ‘would not flinch’, even when George was flushing his head down the toilet as he is wont to do between 10-11 Mondays to Thursdays.

“When you are halfway up a mountain, you should not bail out”, declared Clegg, before adding: “Even if you have lost all of your equipment, have only Ming Campbell for food and Danny Alexander for company, and are surrounded by hordes of angry yetis who are determined to throw you off the mountain.”

“Oh, and your best friend is Teresa May. Pass me the vodka would you?”

Wait! We can still salvage something from this! Oh, wait…

…we can’t. Bugger.

Nick's happiest day

Nick Clegg seems to have had a pretty rough week. In fact, the only person in the whole world who has had a rougher week seems to be the late world hide and seek champion. And, like said elusive hate-mongerer, Clegg and the Lib Dems appear to be all at sea. (N.B.: The alternative joke there was that like said hate-mongerer the Lib Dems needed this week like a hole in the head. Thanks Osama, you’re a goldmine.)

Evidence of this hilariously predictable turn of events can be found by casual scrutiny of Nick Clegg’s face, and the party in general might be best summed up this over-ambitious outdoorsman. So close, but then he never stops sliding.

In a cruel electoral double-whammy, Nick and friends lost somewhere in the region of a billion council seats, and then promptly lost one of the most winnable referenda in human history simply by having their names attached to it.

Perhaps that’s a little unfair. There were maybe three major factors why AV got utterly routed on Thursday:

1. The Yes campaign was as effective as the Pakistani intelligence service
2. The No campaign was as effective as the US Navy Seals
3. Nick Clegg said he liked it.

Which is a shame really, and definitely an opportunity missed for something approaching a fairer system. When the next debate about the voting system swings around in fifty years or so, I hope the proponents of change will look back at the way this one was conducted. And then do the exact, polar opposite. Seriously, you propose a half-arsed version of electoral reform, market it by assuming everybody is going to vote yes so you can save on those expensive leaflets and commercials, let the opposition tell outright lies and respond with a wall of indignant silence while their slimy propaganda sinks into the public conscience, make no attempt to ever explain why FPTP is crap, agree to hold the election on a weekday, when everybody is, y’know, working and have better things to do than worry about voting, agree to hold the vote in the midst of swingeing public cuts when faith in politics is at an all time low and then get the most despised political figure in the country to offer very public support for the cause, a man so distrusted that turkeys would vote for Christmas if he told them not to.

“Say, Moira, I see that Nick Clegg on telly telling us not to cut off our own feet. Isn’t that something?”

“Yes, that scarf will make a fine tourniquet. Thanks, darling.”

Utterly hopeless.

On the plus side, the Apprentice starts next week. Which means I can link to this, the finest video ever made.