Pope in danger of becoming relevant

Vatican officials are tonight scrambling to undo a string of Papal gaffes which have seen the Catholic church’s hard-earned reputation as a sinister bunch of elderly lunatics called into question.

Pope Francis, Frank to his mates, has in recent days stunned the world with statements which make him sound almost like a normal, thinking human.

“We’re pretty spooked”, admitted Vatican spokesman Jeff Hall. “First he declined the Papal mansion in favour of a regular-sized house. Then he went off visiting his mates in secret and talking to peasants.

“Then he dropped the egg car in for a normal car. We liked the egg car. Everyone looks like a maniac in an egg car.”

Even the new car might not be enough to satisfy the new Pontiff – if rumours are to be believed, his blessing of several thousand bikers last month has made Francis hanker after a dirty great Harley-Davidson so he can arrive at official engagements like a badass.

The new Popemobile delivered 4000 pounds of torque and 200 hail mary's of salvation.

The new Popemobile produces 4000 pounds of torque and 200 hail mary’s of salvation.

“We’re really in danger of getting caught out here”, continued the spokesman. “Th things he’s been saying are crazy. All this ‘gay people are ok’, ‘the Catholic church is a bit weird and outdated’, these are things you expect from rational people. You do not expect them from the bleeding Pope! Rationality is not what we’re about.”

The Pope then took a press conference on a plane, strolling back to the surprised journo corps mid-flight, and proceeded to answer any question thrown at him in a jocular, amiable manner. It is unclear whether he was smoking a smooth Gauloise and wearing a turtleneck at this point, laughing and drinking a large brandy. He probably was.

“We can’t be having this”, lamented Fr. Hall. “If he carries on people will start paying attention to us and we’ll have to do stuff instead of just hoarding our vast wealth and ordering ever more elaborate cassocks. That would be a disaster.

“Still, the new Pope has closed the door to female clergy and he did gather 3 million children on a beach the other day.

“So maybe there’s hope yet.”

“Er, you can’t just quit mate”, God tells Pope

God has reacted furiously after his representative on Earth declared he was resigning from a post which is very much in the ‘job for life’ category.

The pontiff, 85, has decided to leave the Vatican as he feels unable to perform his papal duties any longer. He has declined to outline which duties out of sitting down, wearing large hats, tweeting and subtly promoting intolerance he is now physically unable to perform.

God, ∞, was less than sympathetic to his employees resignation:

“Frankly, this is bullshit of the highest order. I absolutely fail to comprehend how somebody can be too old to be Pope. There’s nothing new to fear, there’s no terrifying change to worry about, you sit on your arse 24 hours a day and get paid to hold incredibly old-fashioned views and you get to wear loose, comfortable garments which allow easy access to sponge-bathers. It is tailor-made for the elderly and infirm.

“Besides, John Paul II was actually dead for the last three years of his reign, and he is widely regarded as a man who got shit done.”

Will absolutely rinse the stationery cupboard when he leaves.

Will absolutely rinse the stationery cupboard when he leaves.

Vatican officials are working like demons this evening to suppress claims that God might have made a mistake when he used his divine will to elect Cardinal Ratzinger, then a whippersnapper of 78.

“God knew this would happen. In many ways, it’s God’s way of showing us he loves us and should continue chanting things at him and giving him money,” said a Vatican official this evening.

In slightly contradictory remarks, God said: “I had no idea this was going to happen. I keep telling people: I’m not actually omniscient, I’m just good at pub quizzes.”

What the Pope will do now is a hotly-debated topic, with many expecting him to start a music career and release a solo album by the end of the year. Others are drawing the inevitable comparison between the pontiff joining Twitter and then quickly leaving his job, leading to speculation that he might pursue a career putting witty put-downs and pithy remarks into 140 characters or less.

One avenue that the soon to be ex-Pope will be keen to avoid is death, as it will place him in a pretty awkward situation. If God is not real, he will have wasted his entire life and will feel something of a tit. If, on the other hand, God is real, it will set up a meeting with his former employer, who might just be a tad pissed off.

And if the Bible has taught us one thing, it is that God has a short fuse and no sense of restraint.

“Things are going to get spicy”, grinned God, cracking his infinitely-loving knuckles.