World unites in suspicious activity

The 21st Century is a depressing era.

Across the world, extremism is on the rise, hate is being mongered, and fear is spreading around the globe faster than chlamydia through Birmingham*.

For lefties like me, there seemed no hope of a brighter tomorrow, where the nations of the world work together in unison, where shining examples blossom around the planet in a whirl of collaboration and community that transcends mere borders.

I’m pleased to say, dear readers, that I was wrong.

They’ve been secretive. They’ve been cunning. The didn’t want to let the world know until they were absolutely sure they had it cracked. But they’ve done it. They’ve achieved the dream.

Law enforcement agencies have achieved global bastardry. From Manhattan to Mogadishu, Moscow to Manchester, police and intelligence services have ushered in a brave new dawn of skulduggery, deceit and outright criminality.

As is so often the case, our American cousins have led the way. After leaked details of their in-no-way-sinister Prism system for ‘keeping an eye on persons of interest’, or really anyone for that matter, they’ve started to make some hilariously open threats to any country they even suspect of thinking about harbouring Edward Snowden. They also claim that they have no idea where Snowden is, which is like when you play hide and seek with your 4 year old nephew, who’s hiding behind the curtain with a leg in clear view, repeatedly shouting “I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE HE COULD BE!”.


World Hide and Seek Champion 2013

World Hide and Seek Champion 2013

Either the Americans have him and are giving him a tiny off-the-record talking to or the Russians really are hiding him/having a tiny off-the-record chat with him. So your four options are a) America kidnaps somebody illegally again, b) Russia disappears somebody again, c) Russia is a bastion of human rights and freedom of speech and the American intelligence community cannot find one man even after he told them which hotel he was staying in or d) Snowden is fucking epic at hide and seek.

There was also the tragic and absolutely not fishy death of Michael Hastings in a car crash which looked in no way like an explosion last week. His final email to colleagues will assure everybody that nothing dodgy was going on with the FBI.

Back on this side of the pond, the police are doing their level best to become a byword for dodgy. Phrases like “Did you see those two blokes exchange that package and then that money? That looked well police.” and “I can’t play football tonight, my knee’s a bit constabularied.” have sprung into common parlance following a long line of dick manouevres, many emanating from the Met.

Today it was revealed that the Met bugged Duwayne Brooks, friend of Stephen Lawrence, as well as trying to smear his family. Classy. On another note, whenever I hear or read the word smear my brain auto-completes the sentence with “with grease”. No idea why.

It’s also been recently revealed that everybody is now an undercover police officer. It’s highly likely that there hasn’t actually been an extremist group in the UK since about 1974. The EDL is simply a colossal waste of public money as it comprises 2000 police officers who meet up every Sunday to try and bomb a mosque, smash up three pubs and then report to their commanding officers that the’re getting close to earning the trust of the other members.

This also explains why a bomb going off outside a mosque is a disturbance, and a bomb going off outside a church is a terror attack.

Tommy Robinson is actually a 21-year old female officer with a fabulous makeup artist and a flair for acting. Abu Hamza is a PCSO called Gerald who’s been assigned to desk duties after a slightly over-enthusiastic stint as a mental cleric. At weekends he still uses the hook for children’s parties, where he dresses as a pirate.

“I’m proud to do terrible things for the country I love”, said Gerald. “It’s what separates us from the animals.”



*Birmingham. Official STD capital of the UK.

They’re watching us, the poor bastards

In a completely unsurprising bombshell, it has been revealed that the Americans are watching you. Constantly.

In the midst of a whirlwind of outrage, bewilderment and people saying ‘well, duh’ as America sheepishly admits to a secret global internet monitoring programme, everyone appears to have overlooked the key point that the internet is 99.9% horseshit.

Seriously, have you been on the internet recently? I can’t imagine watching people online is a particularly rewarding job. Nobody has ever gone through any online comment stream and felt better about humanity or that they’ve gained a strong insight into human behaviour. Twitter is a stream of lies and inanity. Facebook is a place where people try and make their lives look good and still manage to look awful. Youtube is just cats. If you type ‘why is’ into Google the fourth most popular autocomplete is ‘why is my poop green’. Even this is just a full-grown* man writing silly words because he gets bored easily.

Can you imagine being one of the poor sods who has to trawl through all this shit? It wouldn’t exactly make for sparkling dinner conversation.

“What did you do at work today honey?”

“”I watched as a man from Utah post threatening yet poorly worded and almost incomprehensibly illiterate messages about Asian people on Twitter, then he spent two hours looking for instructions on how to make homemade explosives out of cheese whilst simultaneously watching cat videos and alternating between writing ‘OMG SO CUTE’ and outright racist comments. Then I’m pretty sure he had a wank.

“I then had to compile this all into a report for my boss without being physically ill.”

Another fine day at GCHQ.

Another fulfilling day at GCHQ.

If that was my job I’d spend a lot of time crying.

If anybody needs empirical proof of just how crap the internet is, have a watch of this and see everybody’s favourite shouty mentalist Alex Jones on Sunday Politics this morning (from about 3mins 30s). A hilarious watch if only for Andrew Neil and David Aaronovitch dealing with him like pros.

Alex Jones’ Youtube videos have been watched over 250 million times. Enough said.

Meanwhile, William Hague has today reassured us all by saying that law-abiding citizens have nothing to fear.

Which doesn’t sound like something from 1984 in any way shape or form.

*shut up.

Cameron defends decision to create high-tech dystopia

The newly facially-hirsute PM, who has taken to calling himself ‘Joseph’, has hit back at claims that secret courts and the legal right of the government to access private communications on a whim might be just a tad sinister.

Sporting a huge, bushy moustache and a somewhat withered left arm, Mr Cameron defended his stance and promised on his mum’s life that it was all in our best interest. Speaking via head party spokeswoman Theresa May, whom Cameron lovingly refers to as “my anus”, he said: “PAEDOPHILES! TERRORISTS! TERRORIST PAEDOPHILES! CRIMINALS AND SUCH!”

All agreed it was a rousing speech, except one lady who didn’t, but she died in not-in-any-way-suspicious circumstances shortly afterward and then everybody definitely agreed was a rousing speech.                 

Mr Cameron is said to be "loving" his new top-lip topiary

A key government intelligence official has also been shedding light on how access to Skype calls and emails is going to help in the war on imaginary enemies:

“As we all know, 9/11 and 7/7 would not have been possible without Skype. In fact, I saw a piece of footage of Osama bin-Laden Skypeing his buddies the other day. He was all like “Hey dudes, what’s happening?” and they were like “Cool, bro, cool, we still on to blow up some shit next week?” and he was like “Yeah, for real man, shit’s gonna go DOWN!!”, and I believe that if the intelligence community could have accessed this call they would have wormed out that an attack was imminent.

“The same is true of paedophiles. It is a little known fact that 103% of paedophiles use email to set up their dastardly child wrong-rings. Take this transcript I read today, which I would not have been privy to before these great new laws allowed me to indiscriminately invade people’s lives”:

Dear John,

Thanks for the BBQ, it was great. Me and the wife had a lovely day. Are we still meeting up on Monday to abuse children?


The counter-arguments to this tiresome bullshit have been made far more eloquently and forcefully than I could hope to, so I won’t go over that ground, but it’s just so depressing that we live in a world where a government in a free country has the temerity to openly spy on the public and then claim it’s all to protect us. Nobody is buying it, not even Nick Clegg is buying this one, yet it’ll most likely come to pass anyway. Welcome to democracy.

What can we do? I’ve come up with four predictably ridiculous solutions that might not work, but might piss some people off:

1) Include the words “P.S. If you’re reading this, I’m behind you” in every online communication you make. That way, if somebody is reading it they’ll be driven to a paranoid mental breakdown by the end of the first week.

2) After two months of the “P.S. I’m behind you” game, go to Thames House and actually get behind whoever comes out and whisper “I told you I was behind you” in their ear. Warning: May result in death.

3) Include a random interlude in whatever you write. You should have seen it, his head came clean off with one swing of that spoon. Anyone snooping on it won’t have any idea what’s going on, and you’ll be safe in the knowledge that you’re a hilarious prankster.

4) Demand that the government eschew clothes from now on and assign each of them a detail of 200 members of the public to follow them constantly. If they’re honest people with nothing to hide they have nothing to fear from this, which is what they’re so fond of telling us. Let’s see how they like it when they’re under scrutiny 24/7. Claim that the nudity aspect is just an extension of their own legislation, as we want to make sure they aren’t carrying bombs, guns, knives or indecent images of children. If they’re honest people who have nothing to hide then why should they have a problem with forced nudity and occasional cavity searches?

Freedom. Don’t ya just love it?

P.S. If you’re reading this, I’m behind you.