68% of salad thrown away ‘because it is pointless’

Supermarket giant Tesco have today revealed that 68% of the bagged salad it sells ends up in the bin, leading people to question what happens to the other 32%.

One reason that so much salad is thrown away is that it isn’t food. If people were meant to eat leaves, they could find plenty of fresh, crunchy, vibrant, sassy, [meaningless adjective], zingy leaves by shaking a nearby oak.

It is thought that there are two reasons why bags of vegetation end up in shopping trolleys in the first place, both of which are intrinsically linked to chips. The first is known as ‘the mixed leaves of guilt’, whereby a shopper will notice that everything in their basket is either chips or made of biscuits, and stuff salad into their basket in a futile attempt to look cultured in the eyes of prospective mating partners, or at least not fat.

The second is the classic ’empowerment spinach’, in which the consumer adds three to five leaves to an unused corner of the plate in order to justify doubling the amount of chips or brie in the rest of the meal. The leaves then remain untouched, and nobody says a single word about it.

Some fucker has ruined a perfectly good meal of bread.

Some fucker has ruined a perfectly good meal of bread.

Consumer Micheal O’Rourke, when questioned about the bag of crunchy zesty nothingness in his Tesco bag, gave an honest assessment: “I was on my weekly pizza shop when I noticed an attractive lady in the store. Before I knew what was happening, I was stuffing bags of rocket into my basket like a rabbit on crack.

“I had to phone my flatmates on my way home and tell the to get the bin ready.

“My main problem with salad is that you can’t fry it or have it on toast, so it defies cookery. Also the wording on the packaging makes it sound like a sex aid.”

The looming question in this saga remains: what is happening to the third of salad which is shamefully not thrown away? Experts are unsure. Some suggest that salad is being accidentally ingested as people mistake it for crisps. Others point towards the ‘salad trousers’ fashion phenomenon taking off in Hoxton, where aspiring fashion designers turn baby gem into garments to sell to hipsters and the gullible.

O’Rourke has his own theory: “People are obviously using it as a cheap way to recreate that scene with the rose petals in American Beauty, then they’re getting their funk on in the bath.”

“Dirty bastards.”

Shoppers ‘outraged’ by low horse content in Tesco burgers

Appalled supermarket customers today expressed their disgust at revelations that supermarket giant Tesco has been selling frozen burgers containing as little as 30% horsemeat.

The BEEF (bits, ends, effluent, foals) burgers had previously been thought to contain at least 80% gangly, carrot-addicted beast, and today’s news has left many wondering what the fuck else is in their dinner.

Consumer Jane Phipps voiced the concern of a nation: “30%? Is that it? From those lovely pictures of happy, hay-munching horses they put on the front you’d think it was mostly, y’know, horse. So what else is there? Stoat? Fox? Knee? I’m just not sure I’ll be able to sleep at night until I know what horrors I’ve been feeding my children. They’ll be eating KFC from now on, I can promise you that.”

Up to 9% slow loris

Up to 9% slow loris

It is understood that Tesco, after a scrambling apology, are rigorously investigating how their burgers could have ended up with so much ‘mystery’ content. There are thought to be two main theories:

  1. Somebody has deliberately put ‘surprise’ meat in the burgers
  2. Magic

‘Foodies’ have also weighed in on the debate. Jeff Smyth, owner of fashionable Hackney pop-up hedgehog fondue restaurant SlagBantam, believes that more must be done to stop the dilution of horse burgers:

“I’m a foodie, and as such I enjoy buying and eating things which taste exactly the same as other things but are nine times the price but are served on a napkin made of sick. Which is why I’m sad that we’ve seen horsemeat, which for all kinds of factors must be quite expensive to produce in the UK and Ireland, being watered down with cheaper, less tasty and more unhealthy meats like beef.

“I’m waiting on Tesco to announce a new ‘Finest’ horse burger – 100% horse mixed with a bit of pure gold for texture, for me and my ilk to discuss loudly and at length in public spaces.”

Other consumers have adopted a more relaxed view of events. Gerald Nunn, a long time connoisseur of ‘value’ produce, remarked: “Who cares?” before adding, “Let’s be honest, I paid eight pence for this burger, I’m actually just grateful there’s any meat in it at all.”

In other news, Lidl and Aldi have been found doing exactly the same thing, but it transpires that they’ve only been selling it to the Germans, so nobody minds.