Nothing to see here. Carry on.

It’s been, somehow, 8 months since my last post on these pages.

8 months.

I’ve been thinking about the reasons for such an extended absence. The obvious suspects are ‘the twins’: namely endemic laziness and a permanent sense that everything you write is shite of the highest order and your entire readership is just your mum visiting from an exotic range of browsers. These, however, are neither new nor unique, so let’s discount them.

After deep thought and intensive study of current affairs, I have concluded that, startlingly, absolutely nothing of note has occurred in the world since last September. Nothing at all. No material to work with.

I know, I was shocked too. However, I feel as though it is my duty to offer a quick recap on some events that have happened – simply so as to bring the reader up to speed on global affairs. Be warned – I expect this to be a particularly dry and uninteresting list, which should be considered educational in nature. If you are a teacher or other authority figure to the youth, these facts could make a reasonable pop quiz for toddlers, or potentially form part of a three hour exam for the under-5s.

In the UK

Overall, a few trifling issues to report.

On Europe – There has been a small kerfuffle in the Conservative party. As far as I can tell, the Tories have had enough of their current leader and would like another small-minded, braying wanker to replace him. Instead of doing this through the normal channels, they’re embracing democracy and asking the whole country to vote on their favourite. Oh and also whether or not we should be leave the EU.

But mainly the ‘who leads the Tories’ thing. On one side are Cameron and Osborne and a cadre of assorted cronies. Opposing them are Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and Iain Duncan Smith, who coincidentally also make up the answers to the popular game ‘Name the absolute worst three people you can think of’.

As mentioned, this seems to be about leadership of a political party as opposed to the EU. Of the 137 Conservative, Labour and Lib Dem MPs supporting Vote Leave, 130 of them are Conservative. Overall, however, there is very little information on the actual EU referendum to be had aside from lies, lies and more lies.

Thankfully there is only one sensible option to vote for so this almost definitely won’t have major, life-altering implications for any of us. And as if to help us pick the right option, Johnson and friends have surrounded themselves with a motley collection of odious bastards, and Nigel Farage. They’re even considering flying in nasty horrible racists like Marine Le Pen from around Europe to really hammer home their ‘you really shouldn’t support us’ credentials, as well as demonstrate a pleasingly poor grasp of irony.

In Health, doctors have had a bit of a disagreement with Jeremy Hunt, the health secretary. Quite why they, the experts, think they know better than Hunt, a man with exactly, exactly the same facial expressions as Dougal from Father Ted, is beyond me. Noted simpleton Hunt has concluded, after perhaps seconds of deep thought, that doctors don’t seem to work very hard and maybe they should work more, maybe also for less cash and maybe also at earlier, later and more weekend-y times than they currently do.

When doctors pointed out that they work at these times, get paid fuck all and literally cannot do any more hours without physically killing people, Hunt decided to put his fingers in his ears and sing loudly to drown out the sound, then carry on with his plan to impose an unworkable contract on an exhausted and underfunded workforce. Should the doctors’ unprecedented industrial action fail, they will just have to hope that a contract written in crayon is not legally binding.

Jeremy Hunt in his thinking jumper

Jeremy Hunt in his thinking jumper

In Education, see above, except Jeremy Hunt has longer hair and is called Nicky Morgan, and doctors are called teachers, but pretty much the same dynamic is playing out.

In world news

Some French and Belgian guys have attacked bits of their own countries. Therefore, immigrants and refugees should be banned. Look, it doesn’t have to make sense ok?

In the US, there’s a presidential nomination campaign going on and for the Republicans the frontrunner is a man who looks like every picture I ever drew at nursery and speaks like a Microsoft chatbot. His policies comprise: shouting, shouting words, shouting other words. He is the least extreme Republican candidate, and whilst scary, is scary in the same way as a monkey wielding a potato masher.

Potential for some damage, but the poor thing doesn’t actually know what it’s doing. Professionals will handle it.

In Environment news, the world is heating at an unprecedented rate, but look on this as an opportunity to get a crazy good tan on your next trip to Glamorgan.

Finally, in Celebrity, everyone your parents adored is dead. This is also hard for you, as you’ve had to quickly brush up on Bowie songs and learn that Prince was from Minnesota so as not to miss out on the mandatory outpouring of grief. Who cares if you only know them principally from cameos in Zoolander, the world has lost a genius and Twitter needs to hear your pain.

So, as you can see, not much to report. All pretty normal, cheerful stuff. Definitely no impending apocalypse. I’ll keep tabs on anything else that crops up so you don’t have to, and we’ll aim for an update in another 8 months or so.

In the meantime, if you need me I’ll be stocking up on provisions, building a needlessly cramped concrete bunker, weeping inconsolably and learning to scavenge for local London sustenance like wild herbs and fried chicken.

Those survivalists might look mental, but perhaps, grudgingly, they had a point.

Lies are the new truth, say various powerful people

The difference between telling the truth and telling an outright lie is much less clear-cut than once presumed, it has been claimed.

Whereas previously one would make a blatantly false statement and somebody else would turn round and say ‘That is a lie’, and one would have to accept that it was a lie, possibly resulting in a lengthened nose, the new trend is to simply repeat lies loudly and often in the hope that everybody will just give up arguing and say ‘Fine, it isn’t a lie’.

Way ahead of his time.

Way ahead of his time.

Politicians, who count amongst their ranks some of the premier trailblazers of the ‘true lie’ movement, have offered out a couple of excellent examples today.

First, Iain-Duncan Smith, the man who just doesn’t know when he should stop trying to do this whole politics lark, declared with a completely straight face that he could certainly live on the £53 a week that his genius welfare reforms will force some in this country to live on.


This is a good example of the true lie technique know as ‘complete-yet-tough-to-definitively-prove horseshit’- it helps defend a set of actions which are completely indefensible by making a ridiculous claim which the claimant knows he/she will never be called out on.

To call Iain-Duncan Smith out on this, sign the petition here.

The second, more advanced technique, known as ‘bastardly subterfuge’, was wheeled out by Tory party chairman Grant Shapps after he was asked to defend the bedroom tax. After failing to defend the tax on the grounds of it being thought up by particularly myopic morons, he tried to claim that his kids shared a room, which was surprising because it didn’t have any relevance to the subject under discussion. Then another person showed this to be a demonstrable lie, and then Shapps changed the subject by pointing out that his defence of the bedroom tax by claiming his kids shared a room didn’t have any relevance to the subject under discussion.

Most people then seemed to agree.

To summarise – be asked a question you don’t want to answer, evade it with a lie, wait for the lie to be called out, then point out that the lie was an evasion of the original question. Then sit back and watch as everyone forgets the original question.

That, my friends, is the pinnacle of lying. Hats off to you Grant Shapps, you terrible, cunning bastard.

The final manoeuvre was a somewhat less skilled affair emanating from the world of football. Deploying what is known in the trade as the ‘half Stalin’ tactic, Sunderland Football Club stated (of their new boss Paolo Di Canio):

“To accuse him now, as some have done, of being a racist or having fascist sympathies is insulting not only to him but to the integrity of this football club”

Despite Di Canio saying in an interview that he was a fascist. Despite this being on record. Despite receiving bans and fines for giving fascist salutes during football matches.

This is similar in theory and efficacy to walking into a police station with a friend, announcing that you are going to stab your friend, stabbing your friend, then denying that you stabbed your friend. Sadly, however, everyone will probably just forget about it by tomorrow.

So there you have it. Lies are now as good as truth and total bastards rule the Earth.


God ‘definitely a bit right-wing’, everybody agrees

WARNING: Casual blasphemy alert.

If you’re sensitive about that sort of thing I’d suggest sitting this one out. It’s all in jest though.

It has been confirmed this week that God is, as has often been suspected, a bit of a Tory.

In a series of increasingly spectacular episodes, the elusive deity has not only reconfirmed s/he/it’s existence, but has categorically shown s/he/itself to be a fervent exponent of economic austerity and low tax rates for the wealthy.

“At least somebody is on my side”

The first clue as to sheit’s (yes, I’m sticking with sheit from here on in) political persuasion came when the supreme being repeatedly attempted to murder the new socialist president of France. Using the classic Biblical technique of drowning the shit out of one’s enemies, pulled off to devastating effect when dumping the Red Sea on some noticeably liberal Egyptians a couple of millenia ago, God tried to drown Francois Hollande in his reasonably-priced suit at his inauguration.

When this plan failed, in part due to Paris’s unhelpfully efficient and probably publicly funded drainage system, the overlord decided to try and electrocute the tax-hiking infidel in his jet before he could poison Angela Merkel’s thoughts with his blasphemous talk of maybe getting a few extra Euros out of the rich and investing in some big projects that might get people working again.

Not content with the attempted destruction of his political enemies in France, God then turned sheit’s attention south to Athens in order to prevent a left-leaning coalition forming in the troubled state. A source from heaven told us that God has been stalking the halls of paradise muttering “I’ll send those bastards back to the drachma before I let those commies anywhere near the Eurozone” and “Zeus would be turning in his grave if he knew this shit was going on.”

The final coup de grace performed this week, in what has been described by officials as “a pretty bloody busy week” for the Creator, best known for sitting back and relaxing for a few billion years after seven days’ hard work, was to oversee the miraculous ascension of a mediocre football teams Manchester City and Chelsea to the ranks of ‘best football team in relatively small nation’ and ‘best football team in area covering one eighth of the world’s populace’ respectively. Many have since speculated that this was God’s way of stating that those who have the most money are truly the most favoured in sheit’s eyes.

All of this drama has left the swathes of liberal citizens in a bit of a quandary, as they are now pretty much obliged to side with Satan in any given debate. Thankfully, the misunderstood dark lord has offered some reassuring words to the cautious left:

“First of all, this whole sheit is good and I am evil thing is miles off target. Just because God managed to publish their book first meant that mine never got a look in. Now people who have never even read my treatise on the benefits of redistributing the wealth come out with all this crap that I’m about stealing people’s souls and corrupting lives and thoughts. All I said was that I thought that a strong state was an inherently good thing. What sheit wrote in the Bible was out and out slander. It isn’t even hot in hell! I had the thermostat about two degrees higher than sheit liked when God and I lived together and sheit’s never let me live it down.

“And another thing, God really isn’t that all-powerful or all-loving or all-creating or anything. Want proof? ME! If you’re all-powerful and in control then how come I’m here at all? What kind of divine force creates a nemesis for itself?!

“Where was I? Oh yeah, the politics thing. Frankly I’m surprised you’ve not seen this before. Even at a basic level. Communists: red. Labour: red. Satan: penchant for scarlet. See the theme? The Americans have been on to me for years, and you all thought they were crazy. They are of course, but they were technically right when they said that communism is the devil.”

Whilst it is unclear how Labour will use the endorsement of mankind’s ultimate nightmare, it seems certain that the link to hell will be played down somewhat for at least the next few years, or at least until Lucifer can sort out his PR and revamp his image. Ed Miliband has politely declined the demon’s offer to speak at the next party conference, but privately concedes that he’d probably be a better on Have I Got News for You than Ken Livingstone was, so a use may yet be found.

P.S. Shiny new dedicated Twitter account! Follow @rantraverelax for updates. Unless somebody smites me first.