‘No plans to impose hosepipe ban’ after 1 sodding week of sunshine

In an announcement that literally nobody asked for, it has been revealed that there are no plans for an imminent hosepipe ban.

Water UK, the imaginatively named overseer of water in the UK, have insisted that the 9 days of moderate heat has yet to deplete the resources built up by the two solid years of rain in the run up to July.

Ahh, the golden summer of 2012

Ahh, the golden summer of 2012

“We’ve got shitloads of water”, said a spokesman.

“Not only are reservoir levels at a satisfactory level, we’ve now got reservoirs where there weren’t reservoirs before. Cornwall is no longer a duchy but a duck pond, which is of course a real boon for us.

“However, given our track record at storing water effectively I wouldn’t be surprised if we had to impose a ban next week.”

“All of our reservoirs are made of sieves.”

He encouraged people to “carry on with their lives”, seemingly under the assumption that mass suicide is the only rational response to a hosepipe ban.

Given the current heatwave has lasted all of a week, and the last time Britain even saw the sun is alleged to be sometime in late 2009, this feels like a slightly unnecessary announcement.

For one thing, if we’re even remotely close to getting low on water stocks somebody in charge of looking after it ought to be shot.

Second, and more importantly, hosepipe bans are traditionally an awful way to get people to cut back on their water use.

“Hosepipe ban you say? I’d best water the geraniums.

“All night.”

 

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