Russians definitely not invading Crimea, say Russians

The bit where all those Russians with guns have invaded another country definitely isn’t an invasion, according to Russia.

The entirely trustworthy, non-warmongering, not at all slightly unhinged former superpower has reacted with what can only been described as a fuckload of indignation to reports that it has taken ‘de facto control’ of the bit of Ukraine that looks like testicles.

It has been confirmed that the level of outrage from the Russians at the notion of them making a grab for Ukraine’s balls, also known as Crimea, is directly proportional to the number of Russian soldiers swarming over the territory.

A Kremlin spokesman offered a brief statement from Moscow, which comprised entirely of shrieking ‘How dare you!’ at the top of his voice before slamming the door and flouncing dramatically up the stairs.

Some sources claim that the Russians are being incredibly cunning, and have posited that they are actually saying one thing whilst doing the exact opposite. The basis for these claims is yet to be verified, but seems to be based on absolutely every available shred of evidence. Western governments still appear confused and have responded to the crisis by strongly threatening to hold a meeting, perhaps resulting in a stern letter.

"These aren't the troops you're looking for"

“These aren’t the troops you’re looking for”

The main source of confusion seems to be the fact that although the troops are Russian men in Russian military uniform, holding Russian guns and coming from Russia or Russian military bases, they are not wearing badges.

An American spokesman said: “We’re stumped. We just can’t tell without the badges. We think it’s probably all legit.

“If Putin’s lying to us, he’s a goddamned genius.”

It is believed that Vladimir Putin’s new found ability to perform amazing feats of duplicity on the rest of the world has stemmed from a recent obsession with Star Wars. A clue lies in a recent memoir from the president, ‘How to Ride Bears Topless in a Totally Heterosexual Fashion’, in which he wrote (translated into English with Russian accent):

“I see man in car. He have droids who other men are looking for. Men who look for droids come to car. They say, ‘hey man, are those droids we’re looking for?’ and he say ‘These aren’t the droids you’re looking for’ and then they go away. One day I do same.”

And as a final coup de grace, the Kremlin have now begun to warn NATO that criticising any action it may or may not be taking in Crimea “will not help stabilise the situation in Ukraine”, before muttering something about protecting Russian citizens abroad. Bullshitters around the world have been heard to break into spontaneous applause at the sheer brass neck on the bastards.

It is still unclear how the hell they’re getting away with this, although it is perfectly possible that NATO, the UN and most other international organisations designed to stop this kind of tomfoolery might be run be incompetent morons. So perhaps a simplified version might help these people understand the basic gist of this scenario:

The policeman and the gangster

[Gangster enters, holding gun]

Policeman: Put that gun down Gangster.

Gangster: I’m not holding a gun.

Policeman: Are you sure?

Gangster: Yes.

Policeman: Ok.

Policeman: Oh I have been shot.

Gangster: I cannot believe that worked.

 

 

P.S. Is there a river in Crimea? I hope there is. I hope it’s called the Crimea River. That’d be ace.

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World going a bit wrong.

But enough of that, let’s talk about me.

Only kidding. I can’t be arsed.

So as it stands North Korea is still getting ready to launch some kind of nuke – possibly the nuclear equivalent of a spoon, but nonetheless, fucking nuke! Fuck! Panic!

We have also buried, at mind-boggling extravagance, an old lady who used to be famous but who by all accounts was just a bit racist in her latter years. And it was on telly. And the radio. And there was a webcast. And they closed roads. And put up signs. So that was rational.

Then somebody blew up some pressure cookers in Boston, which, like all bombings, was an utterly heinous and low act. It has also highlighted that the word ‘terrorism’ has now been so successfully hijacked to mean ‘brown people what wear dresses and have beards like’ that the President of the United States has to refrain from using it when an act of blatant terrorism – in the true sense – is carried out by somebody who might not be a Muslim.

It’s genuinely remarkable that the new conception of terrorism is totally reliant on the dichotomy of western democracy and fundamentalist Islam, of ‘us’ and ‘them’, and highlights just one of the many attempts to hegemonise the language of terror, and thereby create justification and truth (read: get away with anything), committed by western powers since 9/11.

Oh and scores of Iranians died in an Earthquake yesterday but nobody cares for the exact reason listed above.

Well that was fucking bleak wasn’t it? I bet you were expecting something funny, or at least something with funny pictures to hide the lack of content. Sorry. I’ll try harder next time.

It’s just that I got hit in the leg by a softball (misleading title, it transpires they’re actually made of hard) tonight, which has put me into a cynical mood. I’ll probably have an ice cream tomorrow and then write at length about how great the world is.

I think I’m quite fickle.

To apologise for this particularly wank post, here is a link to a blog with pictures of otters. It is both amusing and quite high brow.

And here is a link to some Irish people lampooning songs by taking the lyrics literally, with hilarious results.

“Ok, but don’t get it on my hair.”

HA. Funny.

 

 

“Er, you can’t just quit mate”, God tells Pope

God has reacted furiously after his representative on Earth declared he was resigning from a post which is very much in the ‘job for life’ category.

The pontiff, 85, has decided to leave the Vatican as he feels unable to perform his papal duties any longer. He has declined to outline which duties out of sitting down, wearing large hats, tweeting and subtly promoting intolerance he is now physically unable to perform.

God, ∞, was less than sympathetic to his employees resignation:

“Frankly, this is bullshit of the highest order. I absolutely fail to comprehend how somebody can be too old to be Pope. There’s nothing new to fear, there’s no terrifying change to worry about, you sit on your arse 24 hours a day and get paid to hold incredibly old-fashioned views and you get to wear loose, comfortable garments which allow easy access to sponge-bathers. It is tailor-made for the elderly and infirm.

“Besides, John Paul II was actually dead for the last three years of his reign, and he is widely regarded as a man who got shit done.”

Will absolutely rinse the stationery cupboard when he leaves.

Will absolutely rinse the stationery cupboard when he leaves.

Vatican officials are working like demons this evening to suppress claims that God might have made a mistake when he used his divine will to elect Cardinal Ratzinger, then a whippersnapper of 78.

“God knew this would happen. In many ways, it’s God’s way of showing us he loves us and should continue chanting things at him and giving him money,” said a Vatican official this evening.

In slightly contradictory remarks, God said: “I had no idea this was going to happen. I keep telling people: I’m not actually omniscient, I’m just good at pub quizzes.”

What the Pope will do now is a hotly-debated topic, with many expecting him to start a music career and release a solo album by the end of the year. Others are drawing the inevitable comparison between the pontiff joining Twitter and then quickly leaving his job, leading to speculation that he might pursue a career putting witty put-downs and pithy remarks into 140 characters or less.

One avenue that the soon to be ex-Pope will be keen to avoid is death, as it will place him in a pretty awkward situation. If God is not real, he will have wasted his entire life and will feel something of a tit. If, on the other hand, God is real, it will set up a meeting with his former employer, who might just be a tad pissed off.

And if the Bible has taught us one thing, it is that God has a short fuse and no sense of restraint.

“Things are going to get spicy”, grinned God, cracking his infinitely-loving knuckles.